as my two loyal readers have noticed, this blog is dormant.
well, i will be taking it off of hiatus soon. in fact, right after my trip to england and ireland coming up in two weeks.
i will try to write on the journey. i know i won't have the time or ability to conjure up something each day/night/morning/afternoon/what have ya. but i will take my pad and have at least a place to start from.
so, my plane lands back in the states on sept. 10. unless i don't come back.
and by the 12th, (err, 21st) i will begin posting here again.
it's a promise. and this promise will have more value than that $1 bill in your wallet will have next year about this time...
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
the waiting...
I hate waiting. Lately, it’s all I do.
Sitting on my front stoop I notice a guy hanging out on the balcony of the hotel next door. He’s pretty much naked, even though I’d hazard a guess that if one took a survey of 1,000 people maybe 4 or 5 would say his dress was appropriate. His hairy beer belly hangs out like a starving kid in Africa’s would. Almost distended looking, but not quite. If he didn’t have a beard and enough hair to qualify for big foot status, I’d say he was pregnant.
He’s holding an ancient cell phone. Not even a flip phone, but older, in one hand. The other holds a bottle of Miller High Life. While this is not the best beer to choose, it is acceptable under certain circumstances. And, I have a feeling he meets those criteria in spades.
His cut-off jean shorts just complete his ensemble. I can’t help but stare. He sees me doing so.
“What the fuck you looking at pretty boy?” he yells from his perch.
“Just admiring the merchandise,” I reply. Not exactly the smartest response, but, I usually say what I’m thinking. Which explains a lot about my lot in life.
“What the fuck?” he says, throwing his beer bottle to the ground. I watch it fall to the ground, twirling in the air, spraying the contents of the clear glass into the atmosphere.
“What a terrible waste of a beer,” I think to myself. I don’t say it, because, really, he knows. In fact, judging by the look on his face right now, it’s dawned on him just how stupid that act of intimidation was. Of course, this revelation has no good points, at least where I’m concerned. Now he has two reasons to be mad at me.
“Boy, you better take that back,” he scowled. “I’ma gonna come over there and put a boot in your ass.”
Great, Toby Keith references. This guy is the complete package. I mull my options over in my mind for a brief second. Ha. I wonder if this guy wears tighty whiteys. Shit, back on point, Jones. You don’t want to get punched in the face. You see, this is why I hate waiting.
“Just a second bro,” I say, ducking into my house. It’s 95 degrees outside and 93 degrees inside. Being poor is not glamorous, no matter what the books and movies tell you. I go to my fridge. In it are many assorted beers. Some good, some bad. I spy a couple of PBRs that I have been hauling along with me since my days in Richmond. They’re over three years old. I grab one. And I grab myself a Shiner Blonde, popping the top as I come back outside and taking a swig. Just in case Mr. We Wear Short-Shorts wants to try and take the good stuff.
Much to my chagrin, he’s standing in my driveway, belly and all.
“Where’d yam run to Martha,” he says with a chuckle.
“Peace offering bro,” I say, extending my left hand with the PBR in it.
“Shit yeah!” he growls.
Looks like I’ve made another friend. He pops the beer open and takes a long swig. I wonder if it tastes as bad as I think it does.
“Ahhhhhhh. That hit the spot. Fucking stupid of me to waste my High Life.”
“Damn straight. Hold on a second brother,” I say, disappearing into my lair. I open the fridge, enjoying the cool air that comes out for just a second, then I grab the other PBRs.
“Here you go, man, enjoy!”
“Why you being so nice to me? You a fag or something?”
“Far from it, my man. Far from it.”
“You keep talking like that, I may not believe it.”
Just that moment she pulls up. I’ve been on three dates with this lady. Each one better than the one before. I wonder, like I always do, when they will start to decline in enjoyment. What a fucking stupid thing to think about, I know, but I can’t help myself.
“Woooah, pretty lady!” my new friend exclaims.
She looks out of the window of her 2002 VW Beetle and smiles. At that very moment, I wonder when we’ll have sex. I’m guessing this guy being around might prevent something like that from happening.
“Well, bro, gotta head out,” I say to my Sasquatch pal.
“Why don’t you and your lady friend come on over to the hotel later tonight? We can smoke up, if ya want.”
“Maybe, bro,” I say, sticking out my hand to shake. I cringe when I look down and see just how sweaty this monster is.
He grabs my hand and squeezes tight. It’s a wet, sloppy mess.
“See ya,” I say.
“Alright, man,” he replies and walks back to the hotel.
“Who was that?” she asks as I get in the car.
“You got a Handi-Wipe or something?” is my reply.
“Not gonna tell me, huh?”
“You really want to know?”
“Nah, let’s get a taco.”
Sometimes, the waiting pays off.
Sitting on my front stoop I notice a guy hanging out on the balcony of the hotel next door. He’s pretty much naked, even though I’d hazard a guess that if one took a survey of 1,000 people maybe 4 or 5 would say his dress was appropriate. His hairy beer belly hangs out like a starving kid in Africa’s would. Almost distended looking, but not quite. If he didn’t have a beard and enough hair to qualify for big foot status, I’d say he was pregnant.
He’s holding an ancient cell phone. Not even a flip phone, but older, in one hand. The other holds a bottle of Miller High Life. While this is not the best beer to choose, it is acceptable under certain circumstances. And, I have a feeling he meets those criteria in spades.
His cut-off jean shorts just complete his ensemble. I can’t help but stare. He sees me doing so.
“What the fuck you looking at pretty boy?” he yells from his perch.
“Just admiring the merchandise,” I reply. Not exactly the smartest response, but, I usually say what I’m thinking. Which explains a lot about my lot in life.
“What the fuck?” he says, throwing his beer bottle to the ground. I watch it fall to the ground, twirling in the air, spraying the contents of the clear glass into the atmosphere.
“What a terrible waste of a beer,” I think to myself. I don’t say it, because, really, he knows. In fact, judging by the look on his face right now, it’s dawned on him just how stupid that act of intimidation was. Of course, this revelation has no good points, at least where I’m concerned. Now he has two reasons to be mad at me.
“Boy, you better take that back,” he scowled. “I’ma gonna come over there and put a boot in your ass.”
Great, Toby Keith references. This guy is the complete package. I mull my options over in my mind for a brief second. Ha. I wonder if this guy wears tighty whiteys. Shit, back on point, Jones. You don’t want to get punched in the face. You see, this is why I hate waiting.
“Just a second bro,” I say, ducking into my house. It’s 95 degrees outside and 93 degrees inside. Being poor is not glamorous, no matter what the books and movies tell you. I go to my fridge. In it are many assorted beers. Some good, some bad. I spy a couple of PBRs that I have been hauling along with me since my days in Richmond. They’re over three years old. I grab one. And I grab myself a Shiner Blonde, popping the top as I come back outside and taking a swig. Just in case Mr. We Wear Short-Shorts wants to try and take the good stuff.
Much to my chagrin, he’s standing in my driveway, belly and all.
“Where’d yam run to Martha,” he says with a chuckle.
“Peace offering bro,” I say, extending my left hand with the PBR in it.
“Shit yeah!” he growls.
Looks like I’ve made another friend. He pops the beer open and takes a long swig. I wonder if it tastes as bad as I think it does.
“Ahhhhhhh. That hit the spot. Fucking stupid of me to waste my High Life.”
“Damn straight. Hold on a second brother,” I say, disappearing into my lair. I open the fridge, enjoying the cool air that comes out for just a second, then I grab the other PBRs.
“Here you go, man, enjoy!”
“Why you being so nice to me? You a fag or something?”
“Far from it, my man. Far from it.”
“You keep talking like that, I may not believe it.”
Just that moment she pulls up. I’ve been on three dates with this lady. Each one better than the one before. I wonder, like I always do, when they will start to decline in enjoyment. What a fucking stupid thing to think about, I know, but I can’t help myself.
“Woooah, pretty lady!” my new friend exclaims.
She looks out of the window of her 2002 VW Beetle and smiles. At that very moment, I wonder when we’ll have sex. I’m guessing this guy being around might prevent something like that from happening.
“Well, bro, gotta head out,” I say to my Sasquatch pal.
“Why don’t you and your lady friend come on over to the hotel later tonight? We can smoke up, if ya want.”
“Maybe, bro,” I say, sticking out my hand to shake. I cringe when I look down and see just how sweaty this monster is.
He grabs my hand and squeezes tight. It’s a wet, sloppy mess.
“See ya,” I say.
“Alright, man,” he replies and walks back to the hotel.
“Who was that?” she asks as I get in the car.
“You got a Handi-Wipe or something?” is my reply.
“Not gonna tell me, huh?”
“You really want to know?”
“Nah, let’s get a taco.”
Sometimes, the waiting pays off.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
the rules (aka, the post that used to stay on top)
i made a pact with myself on august 23, 2010 to write. and write every night. about anything and nothing. or everything.
(add edits today...)
i didn't achieve that goal. i did pretty well for a while, then got happy and quit. well, i'm still happy (for the most part, had a bad bit of shit) but i'm back. for lent, at least, hopefully longer...
(end edits)
i have a feeling most of the time it will be nonsense, but i've got to get back to actually typing again, and enjoying it. even if it has no reason for existing except for existing.
only rule, really, is it has to be 750 words. (a flexible rule, as well)
enjoy, or hate, i don't care. i need it.
any similarities between real life and these words is, mostly, uncoincidental. (and that is not a word).
(add edits today...)
i didn't achieve that goal. i did pretty well for a while, then got happy and quit. well, i'm still happy (for the most part, had a bad bit of shit) but i'm back. for lent, at least, hopefully longer...
(end edits)
i have a feeling most of the time it will be nonsense, but i've got to get back to actually typing again, and enjoying it. even if it has no reason for existing except for existing.
only rule, really, is it has to be 750 words. (a flexible rule, as well)
enjoy, or hate, i don't care. i need it.
any similarities between real life and these words is, mostly, uncoincidental. (and that is not a word).
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
excuses, part whatever...
you know. i thought when i started this blog i would have insane problems writing it from the get-go. instead, it went smoothly for months before hitting april and may.
i have no excuse for lagging in my posts. just that my mind has been elsewhere. i did some traveling. met a girl that may or may not end up being a girlfriend...taking it slow this time compared to my past...and i simply have not been inspired enough to sit at my desk and type.
i have scribbled some beginnings in notepads.
i have thought about it while driving home from my tedious job.
and i have felt bad for my two or so regular readers.
a blog, a career, a whatever dies when you don't live up to what you claim.
i said i'd write every day, knowing full well that it would be impossible, but i wanted to dare myself. it was nice for a bit.
but the faucet ran dry for a bit. i don't know if i just needed to get a lot of stuff out there in the form of semi-fiction and fiction, or if i just got bored/complacent or whatever.
i do know that i will come back to this. i have to. i need to. it's important to me to find out the answer to the question.
thank you for your support.
i have no excuse for lagging in my posts. just that my mind has been elsewhere. i did some traveling. met a girl that may or may not end up being a girlfriend...taking it slow this time compared to my past...and i simply have not been inspired enough to sit at my desk and type.
i have scribbled some beginnings in notepads.
i have thought about it while driving home from my tedious job.
and i have felt bad for my two or so regular readers.
a blog, a career, a whatever dies when you don't live up to what you claim.
i said i'd write every day, knowing full well that it would be impossible, but i wanted to dare myself. it was nice for a bit.
but the faucet ran dry for a bit. i don't know if i just needed to get a lot of stuff out there in the form of semi-fiction and fiction, or if i just got bored/complacent or whatever.
i do know that i will come back to this. i have to. i need to. it's important to me to find out the answer to the question.
thank you for your support.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
two eggs and bacon
“What are you thinking about?” the waitress asked me.
“I’m not really sure. I was trying real hard to remember the way something sounded. Something from a long time ago. But I can’t.” I said after putting down my laminated menu.
“Honey, don’t. If you can’t remember it, that’s the way God wants it to be.”
I’d never really thought of it that way. God wants me to remember something or not. I always figured it had something to do with my screwed up brain cells. Too many years of drinking beer, smoking pot and a few nitrous canisters, right?
“God, huh?” I finally said.
“Yes, honey. God,” she smiled. Her teeth were crooked and stained. Just like mine. She was skinny. Very skinny. I’d hazard to guess she’d dabbled in heroin at least once in her life. But now she’d found God. And serving waffles at 3 in the morning. Certainly, she was doing better at the whole “life” thing than me.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked her.
“Certainly, honey.”
“Do you call everyone honey?”
“Can’t says that I do,” she said. “I can stop if you don’t like it.”
“No, no, no. I like it. A whole lot, actually. It’s been a long time since someone called me that.”
“Goes back to that trying to remember thing, don’t it?”
“Yep. I’m a sucker for a lost cause.”
“Honey, there’s no such thing as a lost cause.”
“You sure are an optimist.”
“No other way to live.”
I’ve known a couple of women like that. Ever believing in everything. Seeing the good all the time. Funny thing about them – they all left me too.
I looked at her nametag. It said “Wendy. Here to serve you.” She saw me looking at it.
“My name is Missy, by the way.”
“Lying to the customers, huh Missy?”
“It’s more to keep a safe distance.”
A first crack in the armor of good. This Missy could be worth taking a chance on, I started to think.
A couple of drunk rednecks came into the place. Loud and full of booze. Trouble for sure.
“You going to order?” she asked with a grimace. “If you don’t soon, I’m going to have to go take their order and Maurice will get them first.”
“Who’s Maurice?”
“The cook,” she said pointing at a fat, greasy guy behind the counter. He smiled at her pointing and grunted a little bit.
“I’ll wait. You should go tend to the drunks.”
“Those guys are trouble,” she said. “You might want to leave.”
“I’ll stay.”
She nervously tip-toed over to their table. Missy had great legs. Almost as pale as a polar bear’s fur. A bruise behind her left knee was old, but still pretty ugly. I wondered how it got there. I didn’t have to wonder very long.
“Wendy!” one of the drunks yelled. “I need my Wendy!”
My inner rage level jumped a few points. I watched the drunks closely. They were both huge. Definitely manual laborers. If I tried anything with either of them, my head would most likely be bashed against the front counters.
“Luther, John, you boys have been drinking tonight, haven’t you?” Missy said. I looked at her eyes, there was fear in them. Not a lot. Certainly not enough for Luther and John to notice. But, me, I noticed it.
John, a hulking pig of a man wearing a ripped Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” shirt, put his grimy meat hook of an arm around Missy. Pulling her to his lap. She slapped him.
“I love it when you get rough Wendy,” he said with a cackle.
Luther then proceeded to lunge for her too. He missed, falling to the floor as she deftly stepped out of the way. Even wearing way-too high heels for the gig, Missy was like a ballerina with her moves.
I chuckled just a little. Luther, on the ground, must have heard.
“You got a problem, buddy?” he yelled at me. My smile shrank a little, but stayed on my face. I’ve never been a good hider of facial expressions. It’s why I never could be a poker player. I’ve got too many tells.
“Nope,” I said. “Just enjoying the show.”
Missy winced at that. She knew it was a challenge. She knew Luther would take it as such.
“Fuck you, buddy!” he replied, scrambling to his feet. He started to walk over to my booth. I got a little nervous.
“Stop right there, Luther,” a voice, almost like what I would imagine Thor’s would sound like, rose from the background.
We both looked behind the countertop. It was Maurice.
“I ain’t having no trouble. Sit your dumbass back down and I’ll start cooking your chocolate chip waffle.”
“Uh, um, Maurice, that guy’s a prick.”
“How the hell do you know, Luther? He’s been real nice to your cousin.”
I felt a bit strange now. But, in a sort of way, it all made sense.
Missy looked at me with sad eyes. She knew what Maurice’s statement meant. I wouldn’t be pursuing our conversation any further than “I’ll take two eggs and bacon.”
I was sad too. But, her eyes were right.
“I’m not really sure. I was trying real hard to remember the way something sounded. Something from a long time ago. But I can’t.” I said after putting down my laminated menu.
“Honey, don’t. If you can’t remember it, that’s the way God wants it to be.”
I’d never really thought of it that way. God wants me to remember something or not. I always figured it had something to do with my screwed up brain cells. Too many years of drinking beer, smoking pot and a few nitrous canisters, right?
“God, huh?” I finally said.
“Yes, honey. God,” she smiled. Her teeth were crooked and stained. Just like mine. She was skinny. Very skinny. I’d hazard to guess she’d dabbled in heroin at least once in her life. But now she’d found God. And serving waffles at 3 in the morning. Certainly, she was doing better at the whole “life” thing than me.
“Can I ask you a question?” I asked her.
“Certainly, honey.”
“Do you call everyone honey?”
“Can’t says that I do,” she said. “I can stop if you don’t like it.”
“No, no, no. I like it. A whole lot, actually. It’s been a long time since someone called me that.”
“Goes back to that trying to remember thing, don’t it?”
“Yep. I’m a sucker for a lost cause.”
“Honey, there’s no such thing as a lost cause.”
“You sure are an optimist.”
“No other way to live.”
I’ve known a couple of women like that. Ever believing in everything. Seeing the good all the time. Funny thing about them – they all left me too.
I looked at her nametag. It said “Wendy. Here to serve you.” She saw me looking at it.
“My name is Missy, by the way.”
“Lying to the customers, huh Missy?”
“It’s more to keep a safe distance.”
A first crack in the armor of good. This Missy could be worth taking a chance on, I started to think.
A couple of drunk rednecks came into the place. Loud and full of booze. Trouble for sure.
“You going to order?” she asked with a grimace. “If you don’t soon, I’m going to have to go take their order and Maurice will get them first.”
“Who’s Maurice?”
“The cook,” she said pointing at a fat, greasy guy behind the counter. He smiled at her pointing and grunted a little bit.
“I’ll wait. You should go tend to the drunks.”
“Those guys are trouble,” she said. “You might want to leave.”
“I’ll stay.”
She nervously tip-toed over to their table. Missy had great legs. Almost as pale as a polar bear’s fur. A bruise behind her left knee was old, but still pretty ugly. I wondered how it got there. I didn’t have to wonder very long.
“Wendy!” one of the drunks yelled. “I need my Wendy!”
My inner rage level jumped a few points. I watched the drunks closely. They were both huge. Definitely manual laborers. If I tried anything with either of them, my head would most likely be bashed against the front counters.
“Luther, John, you boys have been drinking tonight, haven’t you?” Missy said. I looked at her eyes, there was fear in them. Not a lot. Certainly not enough for Luther and John to notice. But, me, I noticed it.
John, a hulking pig of a man wearing a ripped Bon Jovi “Slippery When Wet” shirt, put his grimy meat hook of an arm around Missy. Pulling her to his lap. She slapped him.
“I love it when you get rough Wendy,” he said with a cackle.
Luther then proceeded to lunge for her too. He missed, falling to the floor as she deftly stepped out of the way. Even wearing way-too high heels for the gig, Missy was like a ballerina with her moves.
I chuckled just a little. Luther, on the ground, must have heard.
“You got a problem, buddy?” he yelled at me. My smile shrank a little, but stayed on my face. I’ve never been a good hider of facial expressions. It’s why I never could be a poker player. I’ve got too many tells.
“Nope,” I said. “Just enjoying the show.”
Missy winced at that. She knew it was a challenge. She knew Luther would take it as such.
“Fuck you, buddy!” he replied, scrambling to his feet. He started to walk over to my booth. I got a little nervous.
“Stop right there, Luther,” a voice, almost like what I would imagine Thor’s would sound like, rose from the background.
We both looked behind the countertop. It was Maurice.
“I ain’t having no trouble. Sit your dumbass back down and I’ll start cooking your chocolate chip waffle.”
“Uh, um, Maurice, that guy’s a prick.”
“How the hell do you know, Luther? He’s been real nice to your cousin.”
I felt a bit strange now. But, in a sort of way, it all made sense.
Missy looked at me with sad eyes. She knew what Maurice’s statement meant. I wouldn’t be pursuing our conversation any further than “I’ll take two eggs and bacon.”
I was sad too. But, her eyes were right.
Monday, May 16, 2011
11 days ... aka no words...
When I was 17, my dad asked me what I wanted to do. I said “I don’t know.”
When I went to college a year later, I had one visit with my advisor. He asked me, “so, what do you want to do?”
I said the same thing.
I drove 4,000 miles a few years later with my best friend. We talked, he drove. We listened to music. We crossed the border. We drank beer. We watched the movie “Speed”. He never asked me what I wanted to do.
I met a girl and fell in love. At that point, I thought I knew what I wanted to do. Be a journalist. Be a happy person. I’ve learned the two weren’t compatible with me. Not that they aren’t for others. Just not for me.
I broke her heart one day on the telephone. It was going to happen sooner or later anyway. But that day she forced the words out of me.
A couple days later, a girl asked me “what do you want to do?”
I said “fall in love again.”
I was drunk. I was sad. I didn’t know anything.
A few months later, I fell in love again. It was slow. It was hard. It ended up being perfect.
Six years later, on the phone, she broke my heart. She asked me a variant of the same question. I said “be with you.”
I sat and stared and drank and cried and drove for the next two years. Had a girl for a little while. Then I sat and stared and drank and cried a little more.
One day at work, I got a phone call. I got fired.
I left North Carolina. Drove back home with my tail between my legs.
I met an old friend for drinks. We talked about what we wanted to do then, and what we could do now.
It’s been a constant conversation with us two ever since. She’s had job after job after job. I’ve turned down four jobs then got one. So I could live at the beach. I turned down on really good job. And I was asked why. I said “because I want to do something for me for a change.”
So I moved to the beach. Always wanted to do it.
Now, a year later, I finally had a party here. It was fun. I kissed a girl that night. First time in almost three years. It felt good. Nervous, but good. It was the second date. She wanted a kiss on the first date, but I didn’t. I needed to not.
The same band was playing in the background of the first date. The moment was there and I went for it. I never go for it. Well, I used to not ever go for it. The last four kisses have all been me first. Maybe that’s a sign of finally moving. Or maybe it’s just me overthinking things that don’t need to be analyzed. I’m good at that.
The record player is off right now. The birds are singing some sad song. Well, it sounds sad to me. I think about getting up, putting on a record and going back to wherever it is I was. But I don’t. Atrophy doesn’t look good on me. But my roots are starting to show.
The pen doesn’t run out of ink if it’s never used. The brain doesn’t breathe if you don’t feed it words.
I haven’t written in over a week. I haven’t read in over a month.
So I sat down and starting typing. Just words. Just thoughts. Just whatever needed to spill out of my head. Slow, steady and sad. Those three words just seemed to be all I had at that moment. That instant. So I typed them. Fast and slow.
I was asked again yesterday what I wanted to do. I still don’t know. It’ll come to me, though. I have faith that the last 40 years haven’t been wasted. They’ve just been practice. Experience. I’m good at longing for something. I’m also good at chasing things down. But when I get them, it seems I’m always disappointed. Either by them, or by me. Is it ever enough? Or have I just not found the right it?
Words. That’s all they are. Actions are better. Even when actions involve just words. Remember that, will you? It’s the most important thing to remember. At least right now. At this moment. It’s what you need. It’s what you are.
When I went to college a year later, I had one visit with my advisor. He asked me, “so, what do you want to do?”
I said the same thing.
I drove 4,000 miles a few years later with my best friend. We talked, he drove. We listened to music. We crossed the border. We drank beer. We watched the movie “Speed”. He never asked me what I wanted to do.
I met a girl and fell in love. At that point, I thought I knew what I wanted to do. Be a journalist. Be a happy person. I’ve learned the two weren’t compatible with me. Not that they aren’t for others. Just not for me.
I broke her heart one day on the telephone. It was going to happen sooner or later anyway. But that day she forced the words out of me.
A couple days later, a girl asked me “what do you want to do?”
I said “fall in love again.”
I was drunk. I was sad. I didn’t know anything.
A few months later, I fell in love again. It was slow. It was hard. It ended up being perfect.
Six years later, on the phone, she broke my heart. She asked me a variant of the same question. I said “be with you.”
I sat and stared and drank and cried and drove for the next two years. Had a girl for a little while. Then I sat and stared and drank and cried a little more.
One day at work, I got a phone call. I got fired.
I left North Carolina. Drove back home with my tail between my legs.
I met an old friend for drinks. We talked about what we wanted to do then, and what we could do now.
It’s been a constant conversation with us two ever since. She’s had job after job after job. I’ve turned down four jobs then got one. So I could live at the beach. I turned down on really good job. And I was asked why. I said “because I want to do something for me for a change.”
So I moved to the beach. Always wanted to do it.
Now, a year later, I finally had a party here. It was fun. I kissed a girl that night. First time in almost three years. It felt good. Nervous, but good. It was the second date. She wanted a kiss on the first date, but I didn’t. I needed to not.
The same band was playing in the background of the first date. The moment was there and I went for it. I never go for it. Well, I used to not ever go for it. The last four kisses have all been me first. Maybe that’s a sign of finally moving. Or maybe it’s just me overthinking things that don’t need to be analyzed. I’m good at that.
The record player is off right now. The birds are singing some sad song. Well, it sounds sad to me. I think about getting up, putting on a record and going back to wherever it is I was. But I don’t. Atrophy doesn’t look good on me. But my roots are starting to show.
The pen doesn’t run out of ink if it’s never used. The brain doesn’t breathe if you don’t feed it words.
I haven’t written in over a week. I haven’t read in over a month.
So I sat down and starting typing. Just words. Just thoughts. Just whatever needed to spill out of my head. Slow, steady and sad. Those three words just seemed to be all I had at that moment. That instant. So I typed them. Fast and slow.
I was asked again yesterday what I wanted to do. I still don’t know. It’ll come to me, though. I have faith that the last 40 years haven’t been wasted. They’ve just been practice. Experience. I’m good at longing for something. I’m also good at chasing things down. But when I get them, it seems I’m always disappointed. Either by them, or by me. Is it ever enough? Or have I just not found the right it?
Words. That’s all they are. Actions are better. Even when actions involve just words. Remember that, will you? It’s the most important thing to remember. At least right now. At this moment. It’s what you need. It’s what you are.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
fuck that guy...
I rolled down my windows, not to hear what the redneck in the Toyota was yelling at me, but instead so he could see me giving him the international sign for jacking off as his tantrum continued. This only seemed to enrage him more, shockingly so, and I just put my foot on the pedal and kept driving. James Brown was yelling something about a payback and I needed to listen to this instead.
A minute of two later, I came to a light. My pal in the blue Toyota was still there. Still yelling too. And pointing now.
“Pull that fucking car over you faggot!” he screamed. “I’ll kick your ass.”
I laughed.
“Fuck you, you laughing faggot!” he yelled as the light turned green. A mini-van in front of me blocked any progress, as did a tow truck in the lane to my right. This kept the Toyota and the screaming head next to me.
“Pull over, shit head. I’m going to kick your ass.”
Finally, I’d had enough. I looked over and yelled back “No thanks. Got better things to do.”
I got ahead of him, but he floored his car – producing a nice puff of black smoke from his exhaust – to catch back up to me.
“I’m going to kill you,” he yelled.
I blew a kiss this time.
Enraged, he pointed at me. I was starting to feel a little nervous now. I haven’t actually been in a real, honest to goodness fight since high school. I broke one up at a concert in Brooklyn in 2008, but that was a Lucero show, and a redhead was involved, so I had to. She ended up making out with someone else all night, and me, I got drunk. So fights and me, they don’t mix.
“I’ll pass man,” I said as loud as I cold.
“Faggot!” he screamed as he turned right down some redneck byway.
Relieved, I turned James back up. I wondered why someone would want to even fight a complete stranger on the highway. Especially one that you had just cut off. I’d almost understand if I’d cut him off. But he cut me off at 55 mph. Fuck that guy.
For some reason, that phrase, uttered out loud in frustration and nervousness brought back a memory.
One of me sitting in a Motel 6 in Gainesville, Florida. Crying my eyes out. Wondering what the fuck I was doing there. Coming up with no reason for it to have come to this. Me, balling and throwing stuff at walls, just a couple of miles away from the girl of my dreams.
She’d dumped me a little over a week before. On the phone. Without warning. With no reason.
“Love isn’t enough,” she told me.
“Why?” I asked.
She had no answer to that either. To me, it was enough. But, I know it really isn’t now. At least in that instance. Maybe in all instances. I don’t fucking know.
Anyway, sitting on that dirty, cheap carpet in Room 117 in the Motel 6 in Gainesville, Florida, I was weeping. I’d been to our house. Ours in that I was paying half of the rent and paid all of the security deposit. Almost three years I’d been doing that. Never thinking I was just funding my demise.
She was there. Her car was under the carport. The hood was still warm. Yet she didn’t answer the door when I knocked. I tried over and over.
I know she heard me pull in. My muffler on my car died just as I got into town. It was loud. It was a perfect display of my emotions. Loud. Obnoxious. Sad. Broken.
Finally, after crying on the concrete for about an hour, I wrote a note and left. Driving straight to the Motel 6 and getting a room. The same hotel we stayed at when we stayed in when we visited three years ago to look at the school and to find a place to live.
Just like the first time we did this, we couldn’t find a place at all. Looked at lots of cockroaches and shitty apartments.
I stayed positive. She didn’t. Funny how that was our dynamic.
On the last day, she was fretting moving into an apartment. I found a house in the paper. It was the last place we looked at. Instantly, it was perfect. Just like last time. Almost on the way out of town, we found a great old house. She jumped and screamed at it. I smiled. Things were good then.
We made love in the Motel 6 before leaving. Then it was 700-some miles back home.
Now, here I was in the same hotel. No sex this time.
My phone rang. I was excited. Until I heard the voice on the other line.
“Randy?” it said.
“Yes,” I answered.
“This is Amy,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. Have you spoken to Emily?”
“Yes. She called me. She’s scared.”
“Oh what? Me?”
“Yes.”
“You know I’d never do anything stupid.”
“I know. But she’s emotional.”
“And I’m not?”
“I understand, but…”
“But what? I just want to talk to her. She won’t. Not even on the phone. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
“Give her time.”
“But I’m here now.”
“It’s not the right time.”
“Well, tell her this. I need to get into the house. Get some of my things.” I was resigned to what was happening already. Maybe it was a mistake, but it happened. Right at that moment. Resignation.
Funny how it took me almost five years to finally decide to move on.
Fuck that guy.
And fuck that girl.
A minute of two later, I came to a light. My pal in the blue Toyota was still there. Still yelling too. And pointing now.
“Pull that fucking car over you faggot!” he screamed. “I’ll kick your ass.”
I laughed.
“Fuck you, you laughing faggot!” he yelled as the light turned green. A mini-van in front of me blocked any progress, as did a tow truck in the lane to my right. This kept the Toyota and the screaming head next to me.
“Pull over, shit head. I’m going to kick your ass.”
Finally, I’d had enough. I looked over and yelled back “No thanks. Got better things to do.”
I got ahead of him, but he floored his car – producing a nice puff of black smoke from his exhaust – to catch back up to me.
“I’m going to kill you,” he yelled.
I blew a kiss this time.
Enraged, he pointed at me. I was starting to feel a little nervous now. I haven’t actually been in a real, honest to goodness fight since high school. I broke one up at a concert in Brooklyn in 2008, but that was a Lucero show, and a redhead was involved, so I had to. She ended up making out with someone else all night, and me, I got drunk. So fights and me, they don’t mix.
“I’ll pass man,” I said as loud as I cold.
“Faggot!” he screamed as he turned right down some redneck byway.
Relieved, I turned James back up. I wondered why someone would want to even fight a complete stranger on the highway. Especially one that you had just cut off. I’d almost understand if I’d cut him off. But he cut me off at 55 mph. Fuck that guy.
For some reason, that phrase, uttered out loud in frustration and nervousness brought back a memory.
One of me sitting in a Motel 6 in Gainesville, Florida. Crying my eyes out. Wondering what the fuck I was doing there. Coming up with no reason for it to have come to this. Me, balling and throwing stuff at walls, just a couple of miles away from the girl of my dreams.
She’d dumped me a little over a week before. On the phone. Without warning. With no reason.
“Love isn’t enough,” she told me.
“Why?” I asked.
She had no answer to that either. To me, it was enough. But, I know it really isn’t now. At least in that instance. Maybe in all instances. I don’t fucking know.
Anyway, sitting on that dirty, cheap carpet in Room 117 in the Motel 6 in Gainesville, Florida, I was weeping. I’d been to our house. Ours in that I was paying half of the rent and paid all of the security deposit. Almost three years I’d been doing that. Never thinking I was just funding my demise.
She was there. Her car was under the carport. The hood was still warm. Yet she didn’t answer the door when I knocked. I tried over and over.
I know she heard me pull in. My muffler on my car died just as I got into town. It was loud. It was a perfect display of my emotions. Loud. Obnoxious. Sad. Broken.
Finally, after crying on the concrete for about an hour, I wrote a note and left. Driving straight to the Motel 6 and getting a room. The same hotel we stayed at when we stayed in when we visited three years ago to look at the school and to find a place to live.
Just like the first time we did this, we couldn’t find a place at all. Looked at lots of cockroaches and shitty apartments.
I stayed positive. She didn’t. Funny how that was our dynamic.
On the last day, she was fretting moving into an apartment. I found a house in the paper. It was the last place we looked at. Instantly, it was perfect. Just like last time. Almost on the way out of town, we found a great old house. She jumped and screamed at it. I smiled. Things were good then.
We made love in the Motel 6 before leaving. Then it was 700-some miles back home.
Now, here I was in the same hotel. No sex this time.
My phone rang. I was excited. Until I heard the voice on the other line.
“Randy?” it said.
“Yes,” I answered.
“This is Amy,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. Have you spoken to Emily?”
“Yes. She called me. She’s scared.”
“Oh what? Me?”
“Yes.”
“You know I’d never do anything stupid.”
“I know. But she’s emotional.”
“And I’m not?”
“I understand, but…”
“But what? I just want to talk to her. She won’t. Not even on the phone. It’s not fair. It’s not right.”
“Give her time.”
“But I’m here now.”
“It’s not the right time.”
“Well, tell her this. I need to get into the house. Get some of my things.” I was resigned to what was happening already. Maybe it was a mistake, but it happened. Right at that moment. Resignation.
Funny how it took me almost five years to finally decide to move on.
Fuck that guy.
And fuck that girl.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
bum
It’s two fucking o’clock in the morning. London Calling is blasting out of the shitty speakers that have been the lone source of my musical journey since 1980.
It seems to me that the night could be better than this. I’m 40 years old. My teeth are rotted and my gums are gone. My suit was bought in 1998. By my mom. When I had an interview. Since then, it’s been the suit I’ve worn for every interview. Every dance. Every wedding. The insides are frayed and worn. The label saying where it was bought – Marks and Jays – has bled into one big word that isn’t legible anymore.
There’s no wind outside tonight. The stale air in my house isn’t helped by the sea breeze. Instead, the smell of dead fish and stale beer fills my lungs. You get used to some things, and this is one of the things that I certainly have gotten used to. Same with the howling feral cats that prowl the alley between my house and the hotel next door. The hotel that no one ever stays in, yet somehow it stays in business – at least from the end of April until the end of September. I’ve also gotten used to being alone.
That used to scare me more than death, being alone. Somehow it seemed to be the worst possible thing that could happen to a person. Maybe growing up and being exposed only to relationships that lasted had something to do with this feeling. I didn’t understand divorce. When I’d find out a friend or colleague’s parents had divorced I had no emotion. It didn’t make sense. Why would anyone marry someone that they didn’t want to be with, forever?
I think that’s why I’m still alone. I will only settle for the lie that I think all of the examples from my youth displayed. Ha. My parents love each other. But they also enable each other, for good and for bad. My dad’s parents? I don’t know enough about them. I do know that my grandmother after my grandfather died ended up shacking up with the best man from their wedding. Then there’s my other grandparents. Together over 50 years.
What does all that mean? I don’t fucking know.
The new girl at work goes out of her way to not say hello to me. Every day, she walks in and if I’m the only one there, says nothing. If others are there, she says hello. It’s strange. It doesn’t particularly bother me, but I wonder why. So, I guess it does bother me. She probably figures that much. It’s enjoyable.
The inspiration to try something new has hit lately. Not enough so for me to write it down, but to think about it. This is progress. The winter months saw me atrophy in many ways. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I just kind of existed. The worst way to live is to just exist. You need a reason, otherwise it is pointless.
A friend of mine got turned down for a job, and he doesn’t even know it yet. I feel bad for the guy, some. He’s been out of work for over two and a half years. Yet, I know he isn’t looking very hard to find a new job. He’s got a wife and a great record collection. He can write circles around me, yet he only writes one story a week. A column that in many ways sucks more than my blog used to. It’s all about him. His hang ups. His worries. His flaws. His memories. It’s no way to live. In the mind. I guess that’s why we’re friends. Sort of. He’s a one-way friend for the most part. Likes it when it suits him. I keep coming back, like a bad girlfriend. You know she’s bad for you, yet the sex is great. Or she listens. Or she is just warm next to you in bed, much warmer than an empty spot.
The busted up wooden fence leans west. The drunken Cougars prop themselves against it every night. Some nights, the fence is kind, allowing the lady to sit or just bang up against it. Other times, a plank will snap, sending the mess to the ground with a thud and a scream. Those nights I like better than the others. I still wonder if any of them want to come over to my place and have sex. Probably not, seeing that I am just sitting in a broken down, rusted lawn chair every week when they come to dance the night away. “What a loser that guy is,” I imagine they say to each other. “What do you think he does?” another may ask. “He just looks like a smelly, farting beast.”
Yeah, I need a change. Before I start needing to ask for yours.
It seems to me that the night could be better than this. I’m 40 years old. My teeth are rotted and my gums are gone. My suit was bought in 1998. By my mom. When I had an interview. Since then, it’s been the suit I’ve worn for every interview. Every dance. Every wedding. The insides are frayed and worn. The label saying where it was bought – Marks and Jays – has bled into one big word that isn’t legible anymore.
There’s no wind outside tonight. The stale air in my house isn’t helped by the sea breeze. Instead, the smell of dead fish and stale beer fills my lungs. You get used to some things, and this is one of the things that I certainly have gotten used to. Same with the howling feral cats that prowl the alley between my house and the hotel next door. The hotel that no one ever stays in, yet somehow it stays in business – at least from the end of April until the end of September. I’ve also gotten used to being alone.
That used to scare me more than death, being alone. Somehow it seemed to be the worst possible thing that could happen to a person. Maybe growing up and being exposed only to relationships that lasted had something to do with this feeling. I didn’t understand divorce. When I’d find out a friend or colleague’s parents had divorced I had no emotion. It didn’t make sense. Why would anyone marry someone that they didn’t want to be with, forever?
I think that’s why I’m still alone. I will only settle for the lie that I think all of the examples from my youth displayed. Ha. My parents love each other. But they also enable each other, for good and for bad. My dad’s parents? I don’t know enough about them. I do know that my grandmother after my grandfather died ended up shacking up with the best man from their wedding. Then there’s my other grandparents. Together over 50 years.
What does all that mean? I don’t fucking know.
The new girl at work goes out of her way to not say hello to me. Every day, she walks in and if I’m the only one there, says nothing. If others are there, she says hello. It’s strange. It doesn’t particularly bother me, but I wonder why. So, I guess it does bother me. She probably figures that much. It’s enjoyable.
The inspiration to try something new has hit lately. Not enough so for me to write it down, but to think about it. This is progress. The winter months saw me atrophy in many ways. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I just kind of existed. The worst way to live is to just exist. You need a reason, otherwise it is pointless.
A friend of mine got turned down for a job, and he doesn’t even know it yet. I feel bad for the guy, some. He’s been out of work for over two and a half years. Yet, I know he isn’t looking very hard to find a new job. He’s got a wife and a great record collection. He can write circles around me, yet he only writes one story a week. A column that in many ways sucks more than my blog used to. It’s all about him. His hang ups. His worries. His flaws. His memories. It’s no way to live. In the mind. I guess that’s why we’re friends. Sort of. He’s a one-way friend for the most part. Likes it when it suits him. I keep coming back, like a bad girlfriend. You know she’s bad for you, yet the sex is great. Or she listens. Or she is just warm next to you in bed, much warmer than an empty spot.
The busted up wooden fence leans west. The drunken Cougars prop themselves against it every night. Some nights, the fence is kind, allowing the lady to sit or just bang up against it. Other times, a plank will snap, sending the mess to the ground with a thud and a scream. Those nights I like better than the others. I still wonder if any of them want to come over to my place and have sex. Probably not, seeing that I am just sitting in a broken down, rusted lawn chair every week when they come to dance the night away. “What a loser that guy is,” I imagine they say to each other. “What do you think he does?” another may ask. “He just looks like a smelly, farting beast.”
Yeah, I need a change. Before I start needing to ask for yours.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
experience...
well. i've let you down again, dear blog.
but, i'm out experiencing a little bit of life, instead of watching it go by. so you'll have to wait.
maybe tomorrow. as i'm doing nothing.
if not, sorry. and yes, i know i'm breaking the rules.
but, i'm out experiencing a little bit of life, instead of watching it go by. so you'll have to wait.
maybe tomorrow. as i'm doing nothing.
if not, sorry. and yes, i know i'm breaking the rules.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Aiken, Chapter 1
In horror, I watched the slow motion tumble of my half-empty bottle of beer fall from my hands onto the floor. It went straight down. The bottle shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the dirty stone floor. I knew exactly what was coming when it happened. My shoulders slumped in anticipation.
“Jones, you’re outta here,” the barkeep barked at me from across the room. John was a kind fellow, but he didn’t put up with bullshit either. His old, dirty and soaking wet towel was in one hand. A fist was made with the other.
I nodded my head in agreement and stumbled out into the afternoon air. It was hot, humid and windy. A perfect New Orleans day, I thought to myself. Only problem was, I was in Aiken, South Carolina.
How I ended up in a bar in Aiken would explain a lot about how bad my life had become. I quit my job exactly 16 days ago. Jumped in my car and drove south. I figured I’d be in Florida by the end of the day. Instead, I got a flat tire in Aiken. And I hadn’t left yet.
That day, I was towed from Interstate 95 to a repair shop. There, I met George Pepper. When he said it, at first I heard Peppard and got a little bit excited. Even though I knew the actor was dead, I figured that this mechanic being named the same thing had to be a sign of good.
“It’s Pepper, not Peppard,” he replied to my query on his last name. I felt bad after that.
“Where can a guy get a drink around here?” I asked.
“Soda pop machine’s out front,” George said with a smile.
“Something a bit stronger, I was thinking.”
“Oh,” he said. I could feel his disappointment in this stranger in his place of business.
“There’s a bar about six blocks from here. Turn on State Street. A left, I believe. Then a right on Main. You won’t be able to miss it.”
“Unless it’s a right on State?” I said with a chuckle.
George didn’t see the humor. I gave him my cell phone number to call me.
“This’ll be long distance,” he replied. “Just stop by in a couple hours. It’ll be fixed.”
I shook his hand and left. His grip was tight. Mine, not so much. My dad always told me to shake a man’s hand like you meant it. I really didn’t mean it that time. And it showed. The mechanic, according to my dad’s philosophy, now had the upper hand on me.
I trudged down the road for a few blocks. The sweat was already showing through my t-shirt. I looked up at the sky, a solitary blue jay few past me, landing on a stop sign. It shrieked. I stared at him. Wondering if the shriek was a warning to me. I chuckled when it stared back and seemed to nod a yes.
A black pickup truck slowly ambled down the road towards me. “Overnight Male” by George Straight was flying out the windows. I watched the truck go by. Inside the cab were two women. One blonde-haired. The other a redhead. They whistled at me and I tipped the brim of my baseball cap with my left hand. I heard giggles from the truck as it whisked away around the corner.
My steps were leaden. I’d only heard of Aiken from one other person in my life. A kid named Donnie. He was a tough kid. A lot tougher than me. He wasn’t very smart, but for some reason, we got along. Usually those types of guys wanted to beat the crap out of me in middle school. Not Donnie. In English class we’d sit in the back and try to come up with contests to prove that one or the other knew more about heavy metal music than the other. He looked the part, wearing leather studded arm bands and pentagram t-shirts. I usually wore a Joe Theisman jersey. But we both had bowl haircuts and had never even sniffed a kiss from a girl.
One day, after we’d spent the entire 45-minute long class writing the names of heavy metal bands – I had 146, he had 133, he told me that he was moving. All the way to South Carolina. We ate lunch together, talking about the band we wanted to form, the girls we wanted to “do” and the plans we had to stay in touch. We exchanged addresses that day. Mine in Virginia, his new one in South Carolina.
A handshake and a look was how it ended.
That summer, I wrote him. Told him how dull our hometown was. That the arcade was closing and the new Motley Crue album was “ok” but not as good as “Shout at the Devil.”
A few weeks later, I got a reply. He talked about how hot it was. How there was nothing but farms and niggers. I read that line over and over. The letter concluded with him saying how much he hated it there. Too many niggers. Again.
That was the last letter I got from Donnie. I never wrote again either.
Now, over 25 years later I’m in that town he hated so much. I wonder if he’s around?
Finally, I make it to the bar. An old brick building that most likely used to be something better. Now, it was a bar. Called “Sid’s Sitting Point.” I opened the big red door and went inside. Hank Williams was singing about being lonesome.
My eyes went from one side of the place to the other. There were four people in the place. Two old guys at the bar and a woman at the jukebox. The bartender was there too. I’d end up knowing his name – John Underwood – by the end of the afternoon.
“What do ya have in a bottle?” I asked.
“Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite and Coors,” he said.
I winced.
“Give me a Bud and a shot of Jameson,” I replied.
“You got it buddy,” he said. “My name’s John.”
“Nice to meet ya, man. I’m Randy.”
He poured my shot and plopped down the beer. I took a swig. It was awful, but cold, so it felt good going down. Soon, I’d had eight beers and a couple of shots. I was feeling good.
The doors opened with a crash. In came the two ladies I’d seen earlier. They saw me at the bar and plopped down next to me. John gave me a look. I knew what that look was about. It said “be careful, bro.” I nodded in appreciation, but also knew I wasn’t going to take his advice.
“Hello, stranger,” the redhead said to me.
“Howdy, ladies,” I replied in a southern drawl that always came over me when I was drunk or nervous. Right now, I was both.
“You’re cute,” said the blonde.
“Well, ma’am, you’re pretty,” I said, taking a long swig from the just delivered bottle of beer. It was the best sip I had all day.
“You wanna get out of here?” the redhead eventually asked me after the three of us had talked about their dogs, their cats and their shitty jobs for about 45 minutes.
“Sure, why the hell not?” I said.
Within two minutes I had paid my tab, gotten a stiff handshake and a stern look from John, taken a piss and jumped in the cab of that black pickup truck. This oughtta be fun, I thought to myself as I looked at the redhead, smiling and looking out the window. Her legs were pale and firm. I noticed no tattoos, always a good sign.
“You think she’s pretty?,” the blonde asked out of the blue.
“Always had a thing for redheads,” I replied. This redhead looked at me now. She smiled. Then turned back to the window.
“Where we going?” I asked no one in particular.
“Over to the shed,” the blonde said.
“Sounds like a plan,” I replied. “You got anything to drink?”
“Of course, darlin’,” the blonde said, pulling a flask from between her legs.
She handed it to me. It was warm from her body heat. I clicked open the top and took a swig. It was tequila. I nearly threw it up, but held back.
“Whoah, there Tiger,” she said. “Don’t want you puking on my man’s truck.”
That should have been a warning. But I ignored it. I handed the flask to the redhead. She took a swig and then another. That should have been a second warning. My drunk ass thought it was awesome. Me, two hot southern girls, at least 10 years younger than me, driving around in the sticks of South Carolina. What could possibly ever go wrong?
“Jones, you’re outta here,” the barkeep barked at me from across the room. John was a kind fellow, but he didn’t put up with bullshit either. His old, dirty and soaking wet towel was in one hand. A fist was made with the other.
I nodded my head in agreement and stumbled out into the afternoon air. It was hot, humid and windy. A perfect New Orleans day, I thought to myself. Only problem was, I was in Aiken, South Carolina.
How I ended up in a bar in Aiken would explain a lot about how bad my life had become. I quit my job exactly 16 days ago. Jumped in my car and drove south. I figured I’d be in Florida by the end of the day. Instead, I got a flat tire in Aiken. And I hadn’t left yet.
That day, I was towed from Interstate 95 to a repair shop. There, I met George Pepper. When he said it, at first I heard Peppard and got a little bit excited. Even though I knew the actor was dead, I figured that this mechanic being named the same thing had to be a sign of good.
“It’s Pepper, not Peppard,” he replied to my query on his last name. I felt bad after that.
“Where can a guy get a drink around here?” I asked.
“Soda pop machine’s out front,” George said with a smile.
“Something a bit stronger, I was thinking.”
“Oh,” he said. I could feel his disappointment in this stranger in his place of business.
“There’s a bar about six blocks from here. Turn on State Street. A left, I believe. Then a right on Main. You won’t be able to miss it.”
“Unless it’s a right on State?” I said with a chuckle.
George didn’t see the humor. I gave him my cell phone number to call me.
“This’ll be long distance,” he replied. “Just stop by in a couple hours. It’ll be fixed.”
I shook his hand and left. His grip was tight. Mine, not so much. My dad always told me to shake a man’s hand like you meant it. I really didn’t mean it that time. And it showed. The mechanic, according to my dad’s philosophy, now had the upper hand on me.
I trudged down the road for a few blocks. The sweat was already showing through my t-shirt. I looked up at the sky, a solitary blue jay few past me, landing on a stop sign. It shrieked. I stared at him. Wondering if the shriek was a warning to me. I chuckled when it stared back and seemed to nod a yes.
A black pickup truck slowly ambled down the road towards me. “Overnight Male” by George Straight was flying out the windows. I watched the truck go by. Inside the cab were two women. One blonde-haired. The other a redhead. They whistled at me and I tipped the brim of my baseball cap with my left hand. I heard giggles from the truck as it whisked away around the corner.
My steps were leaden. I’d only heard of Aiken from one other person in my life. A kid named Donnie. He was a tough kid. A lot tougher than me. He wasn’t very smart, but for some reason, we got along. Usually those types of guys wanted to beat the crap out of me in middle school. Not Donnie. In English class we’d sit in the back and try to come up with contests to prove that one or the other knew more about heavy metal music than the other. He looked the part, wearing leather studded arm bands and pentagram t-shirts. I usually wore a Joe Theisman jersey. But we both had bowl haircuts and had never even sniffed a kiss from a girl.
One day, after we’d spent the entire 45-minute long class writing the names of heavy metal bands – I had 146, he had 133, he told me that he was moving. All the way to South Carolina. We ate lunch together, talking about the band we wanted to form, the girls we wanted to “do” and the plans we had to stay in touch. We exchanged addresses that day. Mine in Virginia, his new one in South Carolina.
A handshake and a look was how it ended.
That summer, I wrote him. Told him how dull our hometown was. That the arcade was closing and the new Motley Crue album was “ok” but not as good as “Shout at the Devil.”
A few weeks later, I got a reply. He talked about how hot it was. How there was nothing but farms and niggers. I read that line over and over. The letter concluded with him saying how much he hated it there. Too many niggers. Again.
That was the last letter I got from Donnie. I never wrote again either.
Now, over 25 years later I’m in that town he hated so much. I wonder if he’s around?
Finally, I make it to the bar. An old brick building that most likely used to be something better. Now, it was a bar. Called “Sid’s Sitting Point.” I opened the big red door and went inside. Hank Williams was singing about being lonesome.
My eyes went from one side of the place to the other. There were four people in the place. Two old guys at the bar and a woman at the jukebox. The bartender was there too. I’d end up knowing his name – John Underwood – by the end of the afternoon.
“What do ya have in a bottle?” I asked.
“Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite and Coors,” he said.
I winced.
“Give me a Bud and a shot of Jameson,” I replied.
“You got it buddy,” he said. “My name’s John.”
“Nice to meet ya, man. I’m Randy.”
He poured my shot and plopped down the beer. I took a swig. It was awful, but cold, so it felt good going down. Soon, I’d had eight beers and a couple of shots. I was feeling good.
The doors opened with a crash. In came the two ladies I’d seen earlier. They saw me at the bar and plopped down next to me. John gave me a look. I knew what that look was about. It said “be careful, bro.” I nodded in appreciation, but also knew I wasn’t going to take his advice.
“Hello, stranger,” the redhead said to me.
“Howdy, ladies,” I replied in a southern drawl that always came over me when I was drunk or nervous. Right now, I was both.
“You’re cute,” said the blonde.
“Well, ma’am, you’re pretty,” I said, taking a long swig from the just delivered bottle of beer. It was the best sip I had all day.
“You wanna get out of here?” the redhead eventually asked me after the three of us had talked about their dogs, their cats and their shitty jobs for about 45 minutes.
“Sure, why the hell not?” I said.
Within two minutes I had paid my tab, gotten a stiff handshake and a stern look from John, taken a piss and jumped in the cab of that black pickup truck. This oughtta be fun, I thought to myself as I looked at the redhead, smiling and looking out the window. Her legs were pale and firm. I noticed no tattoos, always a good sign.
“You think she’s pretty?,” the blonde asked out of the blue.
“Always had a thing for redheads,” I replied. This redhead looked at me now. She smiled. Then turned back to the window.
“Where we going?” I asked no one in particular.
“Over to the shed,” the blonde said.
“Sounds like a plan,” I replied. “You got anything to drink?”
“Of course, darlin’,” the blonde said, pulling a flask from between her legs.
She handed it to me. It was warm from her body heat. I clicked open the top and took a swig. It was tequila. I nearly threw it up, but held back.
“Whoah, there Tiger,” she said. “Don’t want you puking on my man’s truck.”
That should have been a warning. But I ignored it. I handed the flask to the redhead. She took a swig and then another. That should have been a second warning. My drunk ass thought it was awesome. Me, two hot southern girls, at least 10 years younger than me, driving around in the sticks of South Carolina. What could possibly ever go wrong?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
hey, hey, my, my
I drank myself into oblivion last night. Much like every other night. This one differed slightly. I woke up with my arms wrapped around some lady.
She was blonde. Kind of fat, but not old fat as there weren’t any stretch marks or weird discolored patches. I’d guess 24 or so. She smelled like cheap beer and so did I. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, seeing clearly that I’d brought her to my place, not me to hers.
My head hurt. Badly. Not a dull ache, but a full-on bizarre feeling of agony. For some reason, Neil Young’s “Hey, hey, my, my” echoes in my head. A random moment that will never be explained.
Feeling woozy, I get out of bed. Thankfully, I have my boxers on. Scurrying about trying to find underwear in a funk with some stranger laying on your bed is not something to take lightly.
Making my way to the bathroom, the puke comes. I didn’t think I was going to purge last night’s excesses, but apparently, the body had other thoughts. I see from what comes up that I must have had some kind of chili-based product. It’s never really “food” when you put chili on top of it. From Lucky Dogs to Sheetz fries, bad things come with chili on top.
I find a t-shirt strewn about on the floor. Not a hard thing to do in this place as I tend to just chuck them everywhere. Same with shorts. And socks. Have I mentioned I’m not a very clean person? I go outside into the sun. It feels nice on my face. A welcome relief from the horror that will unfold in a few minutes or hours, whenever the creature in my bed comes to life. I scan the driveway. No other cars. That means I have to give her a ride somewhere or pay for a cab. Disappointment swells. No chance of her sneaking out while I’m showering later.
I go back inside, open the fridge. A half-drank pint glass of beer sits on the shelf. I love it when I do something like that. I never drink them, but my drunken mind believes that it is something worth saving. I take out the glass and take a sip. It’s cold, but flat. I pour the rest out. The 20-year-old me sighs somewhere. But fuck that guy, he ain’t coming back to give me the power of strong erections and long, flowing locks of hair. I reach back into the fridge and pull out a bottle of Amber. I pop the top and take a long swig. It feels right – getting drunk before I go back into the bedroom. Soon, I’m six beers in. I feel good with a buzz now. The day’s getting better.
Instinctively, I climb back into bed. I take off all clothes right before doing so. I spoon with this overweight princess that I have no idea who she is. I get a hard on. It’s nice. I fall asleep.
A few hours later, I have this overwhelming feeling, so I open my eyes. She’s staring at me.
“Hi!” she says way too cheerily.
“Hello, darlin’,” I say. Don’t know why I said darlin’, it just seemed to fit.
“I had a great time last night,” she smiles while she says that. It’s that kind of smile, implying impure thoughts. She’s obviously a bit of a shy gal. Ha.
“Me too,” I lie. Not that I didn’t have a great time, because waking up next to a naked woman implies a good time. But I simply don’t remember. Never will. If I end up marrying this girl, which won’t happen, she’ll have fond memories of last night. Will ask me about it all the time. I, on the other hand, will remember getting up from said night and barfing in the toilet. The first time I’d barfed since the 1990s from drinking. Oh, and chili.
She nuzzles up to my chest. I put my arm around her. I get a hard on again. There’s a definite pattern here. I’m kind of hopeful that she notices, not that there’s a lot to notice.
“So, what do you do?” she finally asks after a couple minutes.
“I didn’t tell you last night?”
“Nope.”
“Well, darlin’, I’m a writer.”
“That’s neat. What do you write?”
“Nothing right now.”
“Huh?”
“Well, I write about life. My life. Your life. Everyone’s life.”
“You’re going to write about me?”
“Most definitely.”
“What if I don’t want you to?”
“Too late.”
“Don’t worry. I want you to write about me.”
My hard on went down immediately on those words. It’s like thinking of Angela Landsbury naked. Not the 1950s version, but the “Murder, She Wrote” one. Time is a terrible thing. Especially if you’re a barren branch, as the Chinese would call me. I can feel melancholy sweeping over my body and mind. A frown has appeared on my face.
“What’s wrong?” she says.
“Just…um…”
“What?”
“You just said something.”
“What? … I’m so sorry.”
She reached for my dick. I guess that’s her way of conflict resolution with a guy she just met. A guy who doesn’t even remember her name.
I rolled over to stop the inevitable. Not that I couldn’t use a nice blow job or fuck. I just knew it wasn’t going to be a good idea.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated.
“Not your fault, darlin’,” I said. “I’ve got issues you couldn’t imagine. Maybe one day, I’ll tell you about them.”
I didn’t have plans to tell her. It just seemed the right thing to say.
“Oh…OK.”
She pulled the sheet up over her body. It was nice to have a warm body in bed next to me. I put my arm around her, placing my hand on her belly. She took my hand. We went back to sleep. It was the best sleep I’d had in years. So good, I didn’t mind missing work that day. Although my boss felt slightly different about it, firing me the next day.
I never saw that girl again. But, before she left – in a cab – she told me her name. It was Rebecca.
She was blonde. Kind of fat, but not old fat as there weren’t any stretch marks or weird discolored patches. I’d guess 24 or so. She smelled like cheap beer and so did I. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, seeing clearly that I’d brought her to my place, not me to hers.
My head hurt. Badly. Not a dull ache, but a full-on bizarre feeling of agony. For some reason, Neil Young’s “Hey, hey, my, my” echoes in my head. A random moment that will never be explained.
Feeling woozy, I get out of bed. Thankfully, I have my boxers on. Scurrying about trying to find underwear in a funk with some stranger laying on your bed is not something to take lightly.
Making my way to the bathroom, the puke comes. I didn’t think I was going to purge last night’s excesses, but apparently, the body had other thoughts. I see from what comes up that I must have had some kind of chili-based product. It’s never really “food” when you put chili on top of it. From Lucky Dogs to Sheetz fries, bad things come with chili on top.
I find a t-shirt strewn about on the floor. Not a hard thing to do in this place as I tend to just chuck them everywhere. Same with shorts. And socks. Have I mentioned I’m not a very clean person? I go outside into the sun. It feels nice on my face. A welcome relief from the horror that will unfold in a few minutes or hours, whenever the creature in my bed comes to life. I scan the driveway. No other cars. That means I have to give her a ride somewhere or pay for a cab. Disappointment swells. No chance of her sneaking out while I’m showering later.
I go back inside, open the fridge. A half-drank pint glass of beer sits on the shelf. I love it when I do something like that. I never drink them, but my drunken mind believes that it is something worth saving. I take out the glass and take a sip. It’s cold, but flat. I pour the rest out. The 20-year-old me sighs somewhere. But fuck that guy, he ain’t coming back to give me the power of strong erections and long, flowing locks of hair. I reach back into the fridge and pull out a bottle of Amber. I pop the top and take a long swig. It feels right – getting drunk before I go back into the bedroom. Soon, I’m six beers in. I feel good with a buzz now. The day’s getting better.
Instinctively, I climb back into bed. I take off all clothes right before doing so. I spoon with this overweight princess that I have no idea who she is. I get a hard on. It’s nice. I fall asleep.
A few hours later, I have this overwhelming feeling, so I open my eyes. She’s staring at me.
“Hi!” she says way too cheerily.
“Hello, darlin’,” I say. Don’t know why I said darlin’, it just seemed to fit.
“I had a great time last night,” she smiles while she says that. It’s that kind of smile, implying impure thoughts. She’s obviously a bit of a shy gal. Ha.
“Me too,” I lie. Not that I didn’t have a great time, because waking up next to a naked woman implies a good time. But I simply don’t remember. Never will. If I end up marrying this girl, which won’t happen, she’ll have fond memories of last night. Will ask me about it all the time. I, on the other hand, will remember getting up from said night and barfing in the toilet. The first time I’d barfed since the 1990s from drinking. Oh, and chili.
She nuzzles up to my chest. I put my arm around her. I get a hard on again. There’s a definite pattern here. I’m kind of hopeful that she notices, not that there’s a lot to notice.
“So, what do you do?” she finally asks after a couple minutes.
“I didn’t tell you last night?”
“Nope.”
“Well, darlin’, I’m a writer.”
“That’s neat. What do you write?”
“Nothing right now.”
“Huh?”
“Well, I write about life. My life. Your life. Everyone’s life.”
“You’re going to write about me?”
“Most definitely.”
“What if I don’t want you to?”
“Too late.”
“Don’t worry. I want you to write about me.”
My hard on went down immediately on those words. It’s like thinking of Angela Landsbury naked. Not the 1950s version, but the “Murder, She Wrote” one. Time is a terrible thing. Especially if you’re a barren branch, as the Chinese would call me. I can feel melancholy sweeping over my body and mind. A frown has appeared on my face.
“What’s wrong?” she says.
“Just…um…”
“What?”
“You just said something.”
“What? … I’m so sorry.”
She reached for my dick. I guess that’s her way of conflict resolution with a guy she just met. A guy who doesn’t even remember her name.
I rolled over to stop the inevitable. Not that I couldn’t use a nice blow job or fuck. I just knew it wasn’t going to be a good idea.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated.
“Not your fault, darlin’,” I said. “I’ve got issues you couldn’t imagine. Maybe one day, I’ll tell you about them.”
I didn’t have plans to tell her. It just seemed the right thing to say.
“Oh…OK.”
She pulled the sheet up over her body. It was nice to have a warm body in bed next to me. I put my arm around her, placing my hand on her belly. She took my hand. We went back to sleep. It was the best sleep I’d had in years. So good, I didn’t mind missing work that day. Although my boss felt slightly different about it, firing me the next day.
I never saw that girl again. But, before she left – in a cab – she told me her name. It was Rebecca.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
fail.
I drank myself into oblivion last night. Much like every other night. This one differed slightly. I woke up with my arms wrapped around some lady.
She was blonde. Kind of fat, but not old fat as there weren’t any stretch marks or weird discolored patches. I’d guess 24 or so. She smelled like cheap beer and so did I. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, seeing clearly that I’d brought her to my place, not me to hers.
My head hurt. Badly. Not a dull ache, but a full-on bizarre feeling of agony.
She was blonde. Kind of fat, but not old fat as there weren’t any stretch marks or weird discolored patches. I’d guess 24 or so. She smelled like cheap beer and so did I. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness, seeing clearly that I’d brought her to my place, not me to hers.
My head hurt. Badly. Not a dull ache, but a full-on bizarre feeling of agony.
excuses and assholes...
my computer, puchased exactly 5 weeks prior...died on sunday. it's back today. and so will i tonight.
yep.
yep.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
randall p. floyd
“Mustard on a Twinkie? That’s just wrong.”
I thought nothing of it. So, I dunked my Twinkie remnant in the yellow goop once again.
“Fuck, man, that’s disgusting.”
“It’s really not. Have you tried it?”
“No God damn it. I have not tried it. Why would anyone try that?”
“Why would someone get in a boat and sail to the west? That’s what folks used to say. If they hadn’t, you might be growing up in England right now, thinking the world was flat.”
“Fuck you.”
“Yeah, intelligent conversation. That’s you.”
“Fuck you, again.”
“Buy me a fucking drink, you anti-intellectual, you.”
“Two beers, Danny! One for me. One for the fucking Einstein here.”
I smiled. Usually, I’m the one being berated for being a dumb-ass. Tonight? I’m back home in Hopewell, Virginia. Here, I’m still considered smart. I look in the corner of the bar. There’s my old government teacher. He was a cool guy when I was 17. Now? He’s just another drunk. Like me. Wishing he’d never come to this small, industrial town, I’m sure. The only things I remember about Mr. Harp are this: his roommate in college killed himself via hanging in the closet, thus making him the only person I know who can actually verify the “if your roommate in college kills himself, you get a 4.0” rumor. Oh, and he’s spent more time with my dad than me. If that counts as knowing something about him.
I very easily could have ended up in this very same place every night of my life. Instead of sitting alone in my living room, on a hand-me-down couch watching the same movies over and over and listening to the same songs over and over. Is one better than the other? Not really. Of course, if I’d stayed in Hopewell, most likely, I’d be married. Or at least getting laid. There’s something to be said for sticking your dick inside of a woman instead of your spit in hand. Just saying.
It’s funny. I still want a woman who doesn’t want me. She texted me for over an hour tonight. Mindless conversations about music, rock shows and the like. No flirting. At least, none returned. You try to slip in a line or two, hoping it’s a weak moment for her. Maybe she’s doing the same thing you are on a lonely Saturday night. Sitting at home, wondering where, for her the 20s went, for me, the 30s. However, she’s got three hours on you. It’s only 8:29 p.m. there. It’s 11:29 here. The night is starting for her. It’s been done for a while for you.
Still, you keep the conversation going. That is, until the messages stop coming. You know what that means. Someone found something more interesting to be distracted by. I’m sure it’s flattering to know that someone really digs you. Would do anything to have a moment with you. She knows this about me. And it doesn’t stop you from acting the fool. Chasing the tail like a dog. Or like a horny 40 year old. Whichever seems to be the more fitting description. I don’t know. I’ve never been to war. I’ve shot a gun. Twice. It sucked. I got a big bruise on my shoulder from the recoil. I think my dad knew right after that second shot that I wouldn’t be hunting with him anymore. It was pointless. And hell, I liked to run around in the cornfields and pretend I was somewhere else. I guess I could have made a good Labrador retriever? Wolf. Wolf! Go get the dead duck!
I sometimes wonder how I’d react in a combat situation. It’s one of those things you can never know about yourself until it happens. Same thing as if some drug addict pulls a gun on you. But I’ve had that happen to me. I joked with the guy until he started laughing and lowered it. Don’t think that would work with the Taliban. But one never knows? Maybe I could just put on Electric Six’s “Gay Bar” and we could all have a good laugh together. Looking at Tony Blair and George Bush.
Fuck YouTube.
Anyway, I wonder if the Anyways police are out today?
I need to stop trying to find a reason to keep going. If you need a reason and you don’t know what it is, then it’s already a lost cause. Right?
Who the fuck am I to ask such questions? Randall Pink Floyd?
I thought nothing of it. So, I dunked my Twinkie remnant in the yellow goop once again.
“Fuck, man, that’s disgusting.”
“It’s really not. Have you tried it?”
“No God damn it. I have not tried it. Why would anyone try that?”
“Why would someone get in a boat and sail to the west? That’s what folks used to say. If they hadn’t, you might be growing up in England right now, thinking the world was flat.”
“Fuck you.”
“Yeah, intelligent conversation. That’s you.”
“Fuck you, again.”
“Buy me a fucking drink, you anti-intellectual, you.”
“Two beers, Danny! One for me. One for the fucking Einstein here.”
I smiled. Usually, I’m the one being berated for being a dumb-ass. Tonight? I’m back home in Hopewell, Virginia. Here, I’m still considered smart. I look in the corner of the bar. There’s my old government teacher. He was a cool guy when I was 17. Now? He’s just another drunk. Like me. Wishing he’d never come to this small, industrial town, I’m sure. The only things I remember about Mr. Harp are this: his roommate in college killed himself via hanging in the closet, thus making him the only person I know who can actually verify the “if your roommate in college kills himself, you get a 4.0” rumor. Oh, and he’s spent more time with my dad than me. If that counts as knowing something about him.
I very easily could have ended up in this very same place every night of my life. Instead of sitting alone in my living room, on a hand-me-down couch watching the same movies over and over and listening to the same songs over and over. Is one better than the other? Not really. Of course, if I’d stayed in Hopewell, most likely, I’d be married. Or at least getting laid. There’s something to be said for sticking your dick inside of a woman instead of your spit in hand. Just saying.
It’s funny. I still want a woman who doesn’t want me. She texted me for over an hour tonight. Mindless conversations about music, rock shows and the like. No flirting. At least, none returned. You try to slip in a line or two, hoping it’s a weak moment for her. Maybe she’s doing the same thing you are on a lonely Saturday night. Sitting at home, wondering where, for her the 20s went, for me, the 30s. However, she’s got three hours on you. It’s only 8:29 p.m. there. It’s 11:29 here. The night is starting for her. It’s been done for a while for you.
Still, you keep the conversation going. That is, until the messages stop coming. You know what that means. Someone found something more interesting to be distracted by. I’m sure it’s flattering to know that someone really digs you. Would do anything to have a moment with you. She knows this about me. And it doesn’t stop you from acting the fool. Chasing the tail like a dog. Or like a horny 40 year old. Whichever seems to be the more fitting description. I don’t know. I’ve never been to war. I’ve shot a gun. Twice. It sucked. I got a big bruise on my shoulder from the recoil. I think my dad knew right after that second shot that I wouldn’t be hunting with him anymore. It was pointless. And hell, I liked to run around in the cornfields and pretend I was somewhere else. I guess I could have made a good Labrador retriever? Wolf. Wolf! Go get the dead duck!
I sometimes wonder how I’d react in a combat situation. It’s one of those things you can never know about yourself until it happens. Same thing as if some drug addict pulls a gun on you. But I’ve had that happen to me. I joked with the guy until he started laughing and lowered it. Don’t think that would work with the Taliban. But one never knows? Maybe I could just put on Electric Six’s “Gay Bar” and we could all have a good laugh together. Looking at Tony Blair and George Bush.
Fuck YouTube.
Anyway, I wonder if the Anyways police are out today?
I need to stop trying to find a reason to keep going. If you need a reason and you don’t know what it is, then it’s already a lost cause. Right?
Who the fuck am I to ask such questions? Randall Pink Floyd?
Friday, April 22, 2011
fuck that shit
I walked through the old pink doors, Social Distortion’s “I Was Wrong” blared from some shitty bar speakers that had blown out a long time ago. I winced at a bright light from above. I hate lights in bars. They serve no purpose other than to expose the ugliness that you go into the bar to hide.
“Shiner and a Jameson,” I say to Luther, my favorite bartender of the moment.
“You got it Jonesy,” he replies with a finger point, he’s no longer my favorite bartender of the moment, but he does deliver the goods. Which I tip accordingly for.
“You ever going to replace those speakers?” I ask in a raspy, I just took a shot of Jameson voice.
“Nah, you’ll just blow them out again.”
True, one night a few months ago, I jumped behind the bar while American Aquarium’s “Redheads and Adderall” came on. Mostly, I did it to mute the gaggle of sorority girls belting out some Lady Gaga tune over at one of the booths. They had an I-phone with it playing. The worst part of this bar is its proximity to the university. However, it’s also one of its selling points on a cold, lonely night.
“Eh, that was justifiable homicide, Luther. I can’t stand it when I have to hear shrill sounds coming from shallow people.”
“How the fuck do you listen to your own thoughts?”
“Yeah, fuck you then,” I replied, finishing off my Shiner. “Another round, then.”
He took my empty bottle and the shot glass. The bottle shattered in the trash bin after he tossed it about 12 feet to the corner. It amazed me that he never fucking missed that shot. At least when I was around.
“You ever miss?”
“Of course I do. But I’m on my A-game just for you.”
“Fuck off and give me my drinks.”
He filled a shot glass. Then pounded a second on the bar, filling it to the point of overflow, but stopping just in time. “Damn, he is on his A-game tonight,” I thought.
We clinked glasses and downed the shots. It’s going to be another long night, I could tell. At 2:37 p.m. On a Tuesday.
“Where is everybody?” I asked with a grin.
“Guess they heard you’d be here, went over to Charlie’s. A lot less lecherous 40 year olds hanging out there. In fact, I think they don’t let you in anymore, right?”
“Fuck off, Luther.”
“You two bicker like a married couple,” a voice shot out from the darkness. Immediately, I was in love. No matter what she looked like.
“Nah, I’ve asked him at least 100 times. Including the first night I was in this damn bar,” I said. “Dick head always says “I’m not gay, man.”
“I’m not gay.”
“Sure you’re not,” she said. My heart skipped another beat. This lady’s got moxie. You don’t see too many in this place with moxie. Most of ‘em have money, yeah, that and pearly white teeth. Impossibly white. My golden teeth certainly don’t fit into mom and dad’s usual plans for their little darlings. Thankfully.
“I can hear you, but I can’t see you,” I say, looking toward the darkness that is the left side of the joint.
Slowly, a shadow creeps out of the dark. She hits the light for a second, then disappears, then reappears.
“Who are you? Antonio Banderas?”
“You think you’re really clever, don’t you?” she says as she sits down next to me. She smells of watermelon. Her hair is, of course, red. It couldn’t have been any other color. Now, whether or not it’s real, I’ll probably never know. At least that’s what I think at that moment of terror.
“Nah, I’m just an asshole who throws shit out and usually, it sticks.”
“My name’s Maddy,” she says, sticking out her hand for a shake.
“Randy,” I reply. “Nice to make your acquaintance.”
“You going to buy me a drink, or do I have to do it myself?”
“Get the lady a Jameson and Shine,” I say to Luther. He cocks his head a bit. I don’t usually order my usual for the ladies. And usually, they don’t order it either. He looks at her, she doesn’t take her gaze off of me. Luther finally gets a bottle and a shot. She reaches over for the shot, clutches it and swigs it back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“Was that a test?” she asks.
“Nah, I figured if you didn’t want it, I’d just drink it and then order you a Singapore Sling or something.”
“Fuck that shit.”
I had no chance after that.
“Fuck that shit, indeed.”
“Shiner and a Jameson,” I say to Luther, my favorite bartender of the moment.
“You got it Jonesy,” he replies with a finger point, he’s no longer my favorite bartender of the moment, but he does deliver the goods. Which I tip accordingly for.
“You ever going to replace those speakers?” I ask in a raspy, I just took a shot of Jameson voice.
“Nah, you’ll just blow them out again.”
True, one night a few months ago, I jumped behind the bar while American Aquarium’s “Redheads and Adderall” came on. Mostly, I did it to mute the gaggle of sorority girls belting out some Lady Gaga tune over at one of the booths. They had an I-phone with it playing. The worst part of this bar is its proximity to the university. However, it’s also one of its selling points on a cold, lonely night.
“Eh, that was justifiable homicide, Luther. I can’t stand it when I have to hear shrill sounds coming from shallow people.”
“How the fuck do you listen to your own thoughts?”
“Yeah, fuck you then,” I replied, finishing off my Shiner. “Another round, then.”
He took my empty bottle and the shot glass. The bottle shattered in the trash bin after he tossed it about 12 feet to the corner. It amazed me that he never fucking missed that shot. At least when I was around.
“You ever miss?”
“Of course I do. But I’m on my A-game just for you.”
“Fuck off and give me my drinks.”
He filled a shot glass. Then pounded a second on the bar, filling it to the point of overflow, but stopping just in time. “Damn, he is on his A-game tonight,” I thought.
We clinked glasses and downed the shots. It’s going to be another long night, I could tell. At 2:37 p.m. On a Tuesday.
“Where is everybody?” I asked with a grin.
“Guess they heard you’d be here, went over to Charlie’s. A lot less lecherous 40 year olds hanging out there. In fact, I think they don’t let you in anymore, right?”
“Fuck off, Luther.”
“You two bicker like a married couple,” a voice shot out from the darkness. Immediately, I was in love. No matter what she looked like.
“Nah, I’ve asked him at least 100 times. Including the first night I was in this damn bar,” I said. “Dick head always says “I’m not gay, man.”
“I’m not gay.”
“Sure you’re not,” she said. My heart skipped another beat. This lady’s got moxie. You don’t see too many in this place with moxie. Most of ‘em have money, yeah, that and pearly white teeth. Impossibly white. My golden teeth certainly don’t fit into mom and dad’s usual plans for their little darlings. Thankfully.
“I can hear you, but I can’t see you,” I say, looking toward the darkness that is the left side of the joint.
Slowly, a shadow creeps out of the dark. She hits the light for a second, then disappears, then reappears.
“Who are you? Antonio Banderas?”
“You think you’re really clever, don’t you?” she says as she sits down next to me. She smells of watermelon. Her hair is, of course, red. It couldn’t have been any other color. Now, whether or not it’s real, I’ll probably never know. At least that’s what I think at that moment of terror.
“Nah, I’m just an asshole who throws shit out and usually, it sticks.”
“My name’s Maddy,” she says, sticking out her hand for a shake.
“Randy,” I reply. “Nice to make your acquaintance.”
“You going to buy me a drink, or do I have to do it myself?”
“Get the lady a Jameson and Shine,” I say to Luther. He cocks his head a bit. I don’t usually order my usual for the ladies. And usually, they don’t order it either. He looks at her, she doesn’t take her gaze off of me. Luther finally gets a bottle and a shot. She reaches over for the shot, clutches it and swigs it back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“Was that a test?” she asks.
“Nah, I figured if you didn’t want it, I’d just drink it and then order you a Singapore Sling or something.”
“Fuck that shit.”
I had no chance after that.
“Fuck that shit, indeed.”
Thursday, April 21, 2011
nervous tension
A frantic Kinks’ drumbeat kicks in the background. My teeth throb. How long has it been since I went to the dentist? Will I ever go again? Fuck if I know. I’m just thinking about the day ahead.
Supposedly, I’m meeting a lady at a bar in Raleigh. I have to drive two hours from work to get there. And then I still don’t know if she’ll actually show up or if she’ll be worth the long drive. She’s a blonde too. Uses bad grammar.
She does like good music. And apparently the booze. This could be good. Could be bad. I’ve given up really trying to figure it out beforehand. It ruins the surprise. It takes away from the chase. And hell, the opportunities come up so infrequently that, honestly, I can’t overthink them when they do.
I’ve already done one thing against my insane mindset. I shave my playoff beard. The Capitals are entrenched in the Stanley Cup run. And instead of keeping it, I shaved it. First impressions and all. If she’s a great gal, she wouldn’t have cared, right? Wrong.
I get done with work early. Caring less and less about the finished product is not a good thing. However, getting a life is more important to me at the moment. It’s easy for colleagues to scoff at my lack of passion. “Get out,” they say. “You don’t love it anymore, you should be in it.” Well, I do love it. So much so that I get ulcers looking at the shitty copy I get every day. The kind of stuff that used to get you fired, but now gets you protected. Guess if you are nice now, you advance. If you kick ass and stay surly, you get buried. Unless you know someone. Yeah, I’m bitter. But those colleagues can all go fuck themselves. They have wives and husbands and kids and lives outside the walls of the newspaper. I still don’t. I’m still living the life I was as a 25 year old. As a 30 year old. As a 35 year old. Now at 40. And my bitter ass still wants to believe one day it will be better. That journalism will prevail, despite the polls that say people don’t care. The laws that censor us a little more each day. One day we’ll wake up? Right? It’s not all about having a stupid fucking App on my smart phone tell me what to do. What to watch. What to buy. Who to like. Who to fuck.
I get in my car. Crank the engine. I look at the odometer. It read 32,234 miles. I’ve had this car less than a year. I love the road. It loves me back. Well, as well as a road can. Lucero’s “Tears Don’t Matter Much” blasts out of the speakers. It’s gonna be a good night. It can’t help but be.
The landscape on this drive is dreary. The sun is beginning to slip behind the horizon. A bright orange hue fills up the sky. It’s quite amazing. In the distance, farmers are finishing up whatever they’re doing today. I see three giant tractors going the other direction. I’m happy for them. And happy for myself that they’re not going my way. I don’t feel nervous. I know I will when I actually get to the bar we’re meeting at. It’s the way I am. I don’t think about such things until they are right in front of me. It’s a defense mechanism that has developed over the years. It used to be that I’d fret over things so much that when the actual event happened, I’d clam up from the pressure I’d put on myself. That led to an awful lot of disappointment early on in life. Not that the later years haven’t been chock full of the same feeling, but at least the buildup and release isn’t so bad anymore.
At some point, the green fields and falling down shacks give way to new expressways. I think about the days when I first moved here, 10 years ago almost to the day, when none of these roads existed. All travel from the rural outskirts to the “big city” was by small two-lane blacktops. Now, four, six and eight-lane behemoths are everywhere. That saddens me a bit. But just for a moment.
I pull into Raleigh. It’s a cool town, I figure. I never spend much time here. I see hockey games. Been shopping a few times. Covered a couple of events when I was still a reporter. Now? I’m meeting a lady. Will she be cool? Will she be smart? Will she be frightened of my crooked teeth? The seal has been broken. The nerves begin to pile upon themselves. I’m 15 minutes early. I decide that’s a good thing. Maybe I can get a shot of whiskey before she arrives. Calm the nerves. Stop the voices.
I park my car. I still can’t parallel park. Not a skill I’ve ever needed. Luckily, my little Hyundai fits in a place with no need for real skill.
The bar’s up ahead. I’m sweating a bit. I stop at the door. Staring at it for a moment.
“Here’s goes nothing,” I say to myself as I grab the door, swing it open and go inside.
Supposedly, I’m meeting a lady at a bar in Raleigh. I have to drive two hours from work to get there. And then I still don’t know if she’ll actually show up or if she’ll be worth the long drive. She’s a blonde too. Uses bad grammar.
She does like good music. And apparently the booze. This could be good. Could be bad. I’ve given up really trying to figure it out beforehand. It ruins the surprise. It takes away from the chase. And hell, the opportunities come up so infrequently that, honestly, I can’t overthink them when they do.
I’ve already done one thing against my insane mindset. I shave my playoff beard. The Capitals are entrenched in the Stanley Cup run. And instead of keeping it, I shaved it. First impressions and all. If she’s a great gal, she wouldn’t have cared, right? Wrong.
I get done with work early. Caring less and less about the finished product is not a good thing. However, getting a life is more important to me at the moment. It’s easy for colleagues to scoff at my lack of passion. “Get out,” they say. “You don’t love it anymore, you should be in it.” Well, I do love it. So much so that I get ulcers looking at the shitty copy I get every day. The kind of stuff that used to get you fired, but now gets you protected. Guess if you are nice now, you advance. If you kick ass and stay surly, you get buried. Unless you know someone. Yeah, I’m bitter. But those colleagues can all go fuck themselves. They have wives and husbands and kids and lives outside the walls of the newspaper. I still don’t. I’m still living the life I was as a 25 year old. As a 30 year old. As a 35 year old. Now at 40. And my bitter ass still wants to believe one day it will be better. That journalism will prevail, despite the polls that say people don’t care. The laws that censor us a little more each day. One day we’ll wake up? Right? It’s not all about having a stupid fucking App on my smart phone tell me what to do. What to watch. What to buy. Who to like. Who to fuck.
I get in my car. Crank the engine. I look at the odometer. It read 32,234 miles. I’ve had this car less than a year. I love the road. It loves me back. Well, as well as a road can. Lucero’s “Tears Don’t Matter Much” blasts out of the speakers. It’s gonna be a good night. It can’t help but be.
The landscape on this drive is dreary. The sun is beginning to slip behind the horizon. A bright orange hue fills up the sky. It’s quite amazing. In the distance, farmers are finishing up whatever they’re doing today. I see three giant tractors going the other direction. I’m happy for them. And happy for myself that they’re not going my way. I don’t feel nervous. I know I will when I actually get to the bar we’re meeting at. It’s the way I am. I don’t think about such things until they are right in front of me. It’s a defense mechanism that has developed over the years. It used to be that I’d fret over things so much that when the actual event happened, I’d clam up from the pressure I’d put on myself. That led to an awful lot of disappointment early on in life. Not that the later years haven’t been chock full of the same feeling, but at least the buildup and release isn’t so bad anymore.
At some point, the green fields and falling down shacks give way to new expressways. I think about the days when I first moved here, 10 years ago almost to the day, when none of these roads existed. All travel from the rural outskirts to the “big city” was by small two-lane blacktops. Now, four, six and eight-lane behemoths are everywhere. That saddens me a bit. But just for a moment.
I pull into Raleigh. It’s a cool town, I figure. I never spend much time here. I see hockey games. Been shopping a few times. Covered a couple of events when I was still a reporter. Now? I’m meeting a lady. Will she be cool? Will she be smart? Will she be frightened of my crooked teeth? The seal has been broken. The nerves begin to pile upon themselves. I’m 15 minutes early. I decide that’s a good thing. Maybe I can get a shot of whiskey before she arrives. Calm the nerves. Stop the voices.
I park my car. I still can’t parallel park. Not a skill I’ve ever needed. Luckily, my little Hyundai fits in a place with no need for real skill.
The bar’s up ahead. I’m sweating a bit. I stop at the door. Staring at it for a moment.
“Here’s goes nothing,” I say to myself as I grab the door, swing it open and go inside.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
fire ants
The heat outside is oppressive. Phoenix is like that. It’s half-past 3 in the afternoon and the circle thermometer says it’s 118 out. But we’re on a mission.
Kurtis has a can of gasoline. I’ve got matches. We’re going to have some fun.
The backyard is full of orange traffic cones. We revel in adding to our graveyard almost nightly. Me drunk. Him stoned. The other two roommates, Teddy, the anal-retentive who writes down every interesting quote from a book, magazine or television show that piques his interest so he can use them later to sound intelligent; and Mark, the greasy-New York accented loser who can’t keep a job for more than five minutes; add to the mayhem as well. But they’re both sound asleep right now. How they can sleep when it’s that hot out, and almost as hot inside without air conditioning has never made any sense to me.
We get to the back gate. Kurtis pops the lock on the door and we go outside.
There it is: a giant mound of dirt. It rose from nowhere in just a couple of days. If it hadn’t been for Mark getting attacked last night while tossing two cones over the fenced in yard we may not have known about it for weeks, when all those damn fire ants decided to attack the house.
“Fuck, that’s enormous,” Kurtis said.
I just stared in awe.
The little buggers were crawling all over the place. A bird, still alive, was being meticulously pulled apart by 1,000s of them a couple yards away. It probably landed to take a chomp out of some trash tossed out of the taco joint across the railroad tracks, but instead, it became the meal for the ants.
“Let’s get this going,” I said.
Kurtis walked over to the mound. All around it were smaller holes. That was our plan of attack. Going for the mound could be a suicide mission. One hit on it, and they would march on you like the German Blitzkrieg.
I looked at Kurt’s boots. They were old, black and tough. Most likely left over from his days in the Army when he used to dismantle bombs. According to his stories, he had shrapnel in his foot and lost his eyesight because of his job. His Coke bottle glasses definitely were a sign of bad eyesight, which he said was 20-20 before his work with the United State of America. I then looked at my feet. Flip flops. Brilliant decision there, Jones, I thought to myself. Hot as hell, rocks and glass everywhere, and we’re about to bomb the hell out of a fire ant mound. Running shoes would have been a better choice.
Kurt takes the can of gas and begins pouring it down one of the holes. Then another. And yet another.
He has a maniacal grin on his face – a cross between George C. Scott’s Patton and Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden. I stand back and watch. It’s quite a sight to see.
“Yo! Dreamer-boy, hand me those matches,” he yells, yanking me out of my imagination. I hand him the matches.
Two seconds later, he drops one in the hole. The flame flickers as I watch it fall into the hole perfectly. It would have taken me dozens of attempts just to get a match in the hole on a free drop. Who knows how many times it would have taken to do it with it still lit.
I see Kurt running towards me. Soon, I understand why.
Fire is flying out of the holes. And ants are scurrying out of 100 more holes. Some of them on fire.
We sit and watch this from a safe distance. Soon, some of the black smoke comes out of the giant mound.
“Round 1 to us,” Kurtis says.
At that time, Teddy comes out of the house yawning. He walks over to us and shakes his head.
“You know what boys?” he says. We know not to ask anything yet, he’s about to say some more.
He scratches his belly and yawns again.
“We have gas heat,” and he goes back inside.
I reach down to the cooler I brought outside before this all started. It’s 120 degrees out now. I wonder if our little fire had anything to do with that rise. I find a beer and pop the top, downing half of it on the first sip.
“You want one?” I say to Kurt.
“Nah, got my own,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his beat up leather jacket for his pipe. He pulls out a baggie, packing a little into his pipe. With the same matches, he lights up, taking a long drag. The sweet smell makes me jealous. I’ve live with him for three years almost now, never have I smoked a bowl with him. Can’t. Drug tests at work and all. I feel like a square. I finish my beer, grab another.
The fire’s out. We walk over to see the carnage.
The ants are already busy. Rebuilding their civilization. A few yards away, it appears a new mound is in the works.
“They’re plotting their attack,” I say. “That’s the corner where we usually pee during parties.”
“Smart fuckers, they are,” Kurtis says, lighting up one more time. “Well, I’m fucking hot. Let’s go inside.”
“It’s just as fucking hot in there,” I say. “Turn on the swamp cooler. At least we can sit out here and get misted on.”
I stare at the cone graveyard. City of Phoenix. City of Glendale. City of Tempe. Maricopa County. City of Mesa. City of Chandler.
“We don’t have a Guadalupe yet,” I say.
“Tonight, we will,” Kurt says with flick of his lighter.
Kurtis has a can of gasoline. I’ve got matches. We’re going to have some fun.
The backyard is full of orange traffic cones. We revel in adding to our graveyard almost nightly. Me drunk. Him stoned. The other two roommates, Teddy, the anal-retentive who writes down every interesting quote from a book, magazine or television show that piques his interest so he can use them later to sound intelligent; and Mark, the greasy-New York accented loser who can’t keep a job for more than five minutes; add to the mayhem as well. But they’re both sound asleep right now. How they can sleep when it’s that hot out, and almost as hot inside without air conditioning has never made any sense to me.
We get to the back gate. Kurtis pops the lock on the door and we go outside.
There it is: a giant mound of dirt. It rose from nowhere in just a couple of days. If it hadn’t been for Mark getting attacked last night while tossing two cones over the fenced in yard we may not have known about it for weeks, when all those damn fire ants decided to attack the house.
“Fuck, that’s enormous,” Kurtis said.
I just stared in awe.
The little buggers were crawling all over the place. A bird, still alive, was being meticulously pulled apart by 1,000s of them a couple yards away. It probably landed to take a chomp out of some trash tossed out of the taco joint across the railroad tracks, but instead, it became the meal for the ants.
“Let’s get this going,” I said.
Kurtis walked over to the mound. All around it were smaller holes. That was our plan of attack. Going for the mound could be a suicide mission. One hit on it, and they would march on you like the German Blitzkrieg.
I looked at Kurt’s boots. They were old, black and tough. Most likely left over from his days in the Army when he used to dismantle bombs. According to his stories, he had shrapnel in his foot and lost his eyesight because of his job. His Coke bottle glasses definitely were a sign of bad eyesight, which he said was 20-20 before his work with the United State of America. I then looked at my feet. Flip flops. Brilliant decision there, Jones, I thought to myself. Hot as hell, rocks and glass everywhere, and we’re about to bomb the hell out of a fire ant mound. Running shoes would have been a better choice.
Kurt takes the can of gas and begins pouring it down one of the holes. Then another. And yet another.
He has a maniacal grin on his face – a cross between George C. Scott’s Patton and Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden. I stand back and watch. It’s quite a sight to see.
“Yo! Dreamer-boy, hand me those matches,” he yells, yanking me out of my imagination. I hand him the matches.
Two seconds later, he drops one in the hole. The flame flickers as I watch it fall into the hole perfectly. It would have taken me dozens of attempts just to get a match in the hole on a free drop. Who knows how many times it would have taken to do it with it still lit.
I see Kurt running towards me. Soon, I understand why.
Fire is flying out of the holes. And ants are scurrying out of 100 more holes. Some of them on fire.
We sit and watch this from a safe distance. Soon, some of the black smoke comes out of the giant mound.
“Round 1 to us,” Kurtis says.
At that time, Teddy comes out of the house yawning. He walks over to us and shakes his head.
“You know what boys?” he says. We know not to ask anything yet, he’s about to say some more.
He scratches his belly and yawns again.
“We have gas heat,” and he goes back inside.
I reach down to the cooler I brought outside before this all started. It’s 120 degrees out now. I wonder if our little fire had anything to do with that rise. I find a beer and pop the top, downing half of it on the first sip.
“You want one?” I say to Kurt.
“Nah, got my own,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his beat up leather jacket for his pipe. He pulls out a baggie, packing a little into his pipe. With the same matches, he lights up, taking a long drag. The sweet smell makes me jealous. I’ve live with him for three years almost now, never have I smoked a bowl with him. Can’t. Drug tests at work and all. I feel like a square. I finish my beer, grab another.
The fire’s out. We walk over to see the carnage.
The ants are already busy. Rebuilding their civilization. A few yards away, it appears a new mound is in the works.
“They’re plotting their attack,” I say. “That’s the corner where we usually pee during parties.”
“Smart fuckers, they are,” Kurtis says, lighting up one more time. “Well, I’m fucking hot. Let’s go inside.”
“It’s just as fucking hot in there,” I say. “Turn on the swamp cooler. At least we can sit out here and get misted on.”
I stare at the cone graveyard. City of Phoenix. City of Glendale. City of Tempe. Maricopa County. City of Mesa. City of Chandler.
“We don’t have a Guadalupe yet,” I say.
“Tonight, we will,” Kurt says with flick of his lighter.
Monday, April 18, 2011
paper cuts
“You know what sucks? Masturbating when you’ve got a bunch of paper cuts. Your fingers hurt and it distracts from the whole enjoyment part of jerking off.”
I looked at my buddy in the barstool next to me. He just said that. I wondered if he was just saying it to say it, or if he’d done that a few minutes ago and was now ruminating on the consequences.
“Let me see your hands,” I said.
He pulled his hands away from his bottle of Budweiser. A longneck, as always. They were not the hands of a working man. They had no blisters. No calluses. No broken fingernails. Not even a bruise. But, his fingers each had little red marks on them.
“Paper cuts?” I asked.
“Yep. Damn things hurt too.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
His wife came into the bar. Gave us the sheepish look she always does when she knows we were just talking about something “important.”
“Hey guys. What’s cracking?”
I looked at my buddy. He but his hands back around his Budweiser and took a long gulp. I guess that meant I had to come up with conversation for the moment.
“Me and your husband here were talking about paper cuts,” I said with a smile and a quick sip of my beer.
“Really?” she said. “And what brought this up on this glorious morning here in the bar?”
Instantly I knew that it wasn’t his masturbating that he was talking about. It was him trying to get her off today. Ha. Life is good sometimes.
“Oh, you know, it’s what us guys talk about. Paper cuts and daffodils.”
My buddy gave me an icy stare. It had been years since I got that stare. Way before he was married. Hell, back then, I thought he was as gay as they got. Instead, that fucker went and married his schoolgirl sweetheart. Me? I just kept fucking up relationships, one after the other. I even got in touch with my old schoolgirl sweetheart. Gotta love the internet. But a couple of weeks after I added her on Facebook (and she accepted!!!!) still not working up the nerve to even say hello, she put on that she was “in a relationship.” Such is life. Hell, the high school sweetheart sent me a message. I responded. She never responded back. Ha. I have a way with the ladies for sure.
But now he was giving me the “STFU” look. I guess those vaginal juices were still burning his open wounds.
I decided that when I got home tonight, I’d cut my fingers and try to jerk off. Just to see if, indeed, it hurt more than the pleasure you received. If I was a betting man, which I’m not, I’d say no. That the pleasure would win.
“How ‘bout them Redskins?” I suggested as a conversation starter and way around this whole paper cut theme.
She gave me an icy stare and ordered a Harp. At least she wasn’t going to carry a grudge. We all then proceeded to drink copious amounts of alcohol and just enjoy each other’s company. It didn’t happen often enough. They lived far away. They were rich. I’m poor. It makes for embarrassing moments and conversations.
“You should come up and go to New York next weekend with us?”
“Um, I can’t. Too expensive.”
“Shit, we’ll pay for it.”
“Yeah, I wish I could, but I work Friday and Saturday nights. Unlike you normal folks in the world.”
I used my shitty profession as a crutch many times. Like the many times girls want to go out with me and I’m just not interested or just can’t afford to. “We can hang out on Sunday or Monday!” The response is always the same: “But, I’ve got to work…”
Oh well. Being old and broke and horny all the time should make for inspiration at some point in my life. Of course, it didn’t when I was young and broke and horny. Of course, my dick worked a lot better then.
That got me thinking of paper cuts again. I don’t remember what movie it was, but somebody, I’d like to say it was Harvey Keitel but I know it wasn’t, described the vagina as a paper cut. I’m sure it was in reference to a young woman’s private areas, not that of a 39 year old. Not that I’d know anything about what a well-worn pussy looked like. Blessing? Yes. Curse? Of course. I’d rather see an old twat than no twat.
You start to wonder when it’ll stop. The dry spells. They seem to get worse the older I get. When I was young, I knew it was going to end. Now? I’m old. I could go out and score some ass. I know that. I’m not ugly. I have a decent rap. I just don’t like using it. Except when I want to. And that doesn’t happen very often.
The last time was a red head. Always a red head. She blew me off within five minutes of meeting me. But we’ve become friends. I do that. I collect friends. I’m that guy. John Cusack without a curveball to get the batters out.
It happens. And one day it’ll happen again.
Just like one day I’ll masturbate with paper cuts on my fingers. Just to see if it hurts.
I looked at my buddy in the barstool next to me. He just said that. I wondered if he was just saying it to say it, or if he’d done that a few minutes ago and was now ruminating on the consequences.
“Let me see your hands,” I said.
He pulled his hands away from his bottle of Budweiser. A longneck, as always. They were not the hands of a working man. They had no blisters. No calluses. No broken fingernails. Not even a bruise. But, his fingers each had little red marks on them.
“Paper cuts?” I asked.
“Yep. Damn things hurt too.”
“I don’t even want to know.”
His wife came into the bar. Gave us the sheepish look she always does when she knows we were just talking about something “important.”
“Hey guys. What’s cracking?”
I looked at my buddy. He but his hands back around his Budweiser and took a long gulp. I guess that meant I had to come up with conversation for the moment.
“Me and your husband here were talking about paper cuts,” I said with a smile and a quick sip of my beer.
“Really?” she said. “And what brought this up on this glorious morning here in the bar?”
Instantly I knew that it wasn’t his masturbating that he was talking about. It was him trying to get her off today. Ha. Life is good sometimes.
“Oh, you know, it’s what us guys talk about. Paper cuts and daffodils.”
My buddy gave me an icy stare. It had been years since I got that stare. Way before he was married. Hell, back then, I thought he was as gay as they got. Instead, that fucker went and married his schoolgirl sweetheart. Me? I just kept fucking up relationships, one after the other. I even got in touch with my old schoolgirl sweetheart. Gotta love the internet. But a couple of weeks after I added her on Facebook (and she accepted!!!!) still not working up the nerve to even say hello, she put on that she was “in a relationship.” Such is life. Hell, the high school sweetheart sent me a message. I responded. She never responded back. Ha. I have a way with the ladies for sure.
But now he was giving me the “STFU” look. I guess those vaginal juices were still burning his open wounds.
I decided that when I got home tonight, I’d cut my fingers and try to jerk off. Just to see if, indeed, it hurt more than the pleasure you received. If I was a betting man, which I’m not, I’d say no. That the pleasure would win.
“How ‘bout them Redskins?” I suggested as a conversation starter and way around this whole paper cut theme.
She gave me an icy stare and ordered a Harp. At least she wasn’t going to carry a grudge. We all then proceeded to drink copious amounts of alcohol and just enjoy each other’s company. It didn’t happen often enough. They lived far away. They were rich. I’m poor. It makes for embarrassing moments and conversations.
“You should come up and go to New York next weekend with us?”
“Um, I can’t. Too expensive.”
“Shit, we’ll pay for it.”
“Yeah, I wish I could, but I work Friday and Saturday nights. Unlike you normal folks in the world.”
I used my shitty profession as a crutch many times. Like the many times girls want to go out with me and I’m just not interested or just can’t afford to. “We can hang out on Sunday or Monday!” The response is always the same: “But, I’ve got to work…”
Oh well. Being old and broke and horny all the time should make for inspiration at some point in my life. Of course, it didn’t when I was young and broke and horny. Of course, my dick worked a lot better then.
That got me thinking of paper cuts again. I don’t remember what movie it was, but somebody, I’d like to say it was Harvey Keitel but I know it wasn’t, described the vagina as a paper cut. I’m sure it was in reference to a young woman’s private areas, not that of a 39 year old. Not that I’d know anything about what a well-worn pussy looked like. Blessing? Yes. Curse? Of course. I’d rather see an old twat than no twat.
You start to wonder when it’ll stop. The dry spells. They seem to get worse the older I get. When I was young, I knew it was going to end. Now? I’m old. I could go out and score some ass. I know that. I’m not ugly. I have a decent rap. I just don’t like using it. Except when I want to. And that doesn’t happen very often.
The last time was a red head. Always a red head. She blew me off within five minutes of meeting me. But we’ve become friends. I do that. I collect friends. I’m that guy. John Cusack without a curveball to get the batters out.
It happens. And one day it’ll happen again.
Just like one day I’ll masturbate with paper cuts on my fingers. Just to see if it hurts.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
woo girl
I try not to be lonely.
To do this, I try to go outside as much as I can. Not sit in front of the computer, the television, the stereo until my ass falls asleep. The front yard can be a bustling metropolis. It can be a desolate island.
You smile at someone, they don’t smile back. Don’t take it personally. You laugh at the insanity of trying to one up your pals, your co-workers, your significant other, even.
It can be lonely, being alone. I guess it’s better than being lonely when you’re not alone.
**
The drapes are all open. The last rays of sun are creeping inside the house. Trying to find someone to see them before it gets dark.
**
One day, someone will miss me.
**
If you think about it too hard
Too long
Too short
Too much
It hurts.
If you don’t think about it
It fades away
Into nothing
In to everything.
**
I woke up this morning wondering if I was having a heart attack.
My chest was thumping and I could hardly breathe.
I lay there on the bed, thoughts of death filling my brain.
And still I thought of you.
I guess we’re stuck together, since my thoughts are the glue.
Until my heart stops beating
And my brain no longer is filled with your smile.
Your eyes.
Your laugh.
Your cry.
Your everything.
And nothing.
**
I wish sometimes I wouldn’t even try. That I just sat in my life and let it unfold without any thought. Any remorse. Any dare.
Other people make it look so easy. Punch the clock. Eat their donuts. Get fat. Have kids. Grow old. Die.
I guess I’m doing most of those, so what am I worried about. The more I don’t want to be that way, the more I seem to become it.
The hamster doesn’t know why the wheel is there. It just gets on it. Runs, runs, runs. Until it gets tired. Then it eats, eats, eats, eats. Until there is no more food. Then it sleeps, sleeps, sleeps. Until it wakes up. Then it shits, shits, shits. Until it has no more. Then it gets on the wheel. But, if he’s lucky, his owner will get him a woman. And then he’ll fuck, fuck, fuck. Lucky little rodent.
**
A girl came up to me at the bar and asked “do you have a light?”
I looked up, she was maybe 23, pearly white teeth, green bikini on. A gorgeous smile.
“Nope, don’t smoke,” I replied with a smile.
“Thanks,” she said, walking away.
A few minutes later, she sat with some guy. He had a cigarette lighter. I knew this guy. He was two years older than me, full head of hair and a beat up Volkswagen. I saw she had her hand on his leg.
“What’s he got that I don’t have?” I said to my buddy at the other end of the bar, gesturing to the guy with the Volkswagen.
“Good posture?” he said, laughing.
“You’re probably right,” I said, slumped over my warm bottle of Shiner Blonde. I got up and went to the jukebox. I bought the thing three years ago. Said I’d stock it with only good music too. My picks lasted three weeks before the tourists started to complain that they didn’t want to listen to Bill Withers or The Kinks.
“Where’s the Lady Gaga?”
“Who listens to his shit?”
“Can you get some REAL music?”
Over and over I listened to this. Finally, Butch, the owner told me I had to give up at least half of the jukebox for the other paying customers. I tried to argue, but I wasn’t behind it 100 percent. Not because I knew I’d lose, because those are usually the best arguments, but instead because I wanted to get laid. Good music brought in good girls, Butch said right up front. That was like a Mike Tyson uppercut, circa 1986 right to my chin. I had no shot.
I flipped to the beginning of the CDs, where my selections still held strong. I put in a quarter, then three more. I picked C3 three times. “Hold Me Close” by Lucero. It just felt right.
“I fucking love Ben Nichols!” someone shouted from across the bar, right after I’d plopped my ass back onto my seat. She started signing, rather poorly. I listened with great pleasure. It reminded me of all those nights in steamy bars and shitty dives singing my lungs out.
The song ended. She sat down. Then it started again.
“Woooooooo!” she yelled. A woo girl. Sweet.
The song ended. She sat again.
It started once again.
“Who played this?” she shrieked.
I raised my hand like the shy kid in class that I was oh so many years ago. She looked at me. I looked at her.
That was the last time I fucked anyone. That was three years ago in July.
To do this, I try to go outside as much as I can. Not sit in front of the computer, the television, the stereo until my ass falls asleep. The front yard can be a bustling metropolis. It can be a desolate island.
You smile at someone, they don’t smile back. Don’t take it personally. You laugh at the insanity of trying to one up your pals, your co-workers, your significant other, even.
It can be lonely, being alone. I guess it’s better than being lonely when you’re not alone.
**
The drapes are all open. The last rays of sun are creeping inside the house. Trying to find someone to see them before it gets dark.
**
One day, someone will miss me.
**
If you think about it too hard
Too long
Too short
Too much
It hurts.
If you don’t think about it
It fades away
Into nothing
In to everything.
**
I woke up this morning wondering if I was having a heart attack.
My chest was thumping and I could hardly breathe.
I lay there on the bed, thoughts of death filling my brain.
And still I thought of you.
I guess we’re stuck together, since my thoughts are the glue.
Until my heart stops beating
And my brain no longer is filled with your smile.
Your eyes.
Your laugh.
Your cry.
Your everything.
And nothing.
**
I wish sometimes I wouldn’t even try. That I just sat in my life and let it unfold without any thought. Any remorse. Any dare.
Other people make it look so easy. Punch the clock. Eat their donuts. Get fat. Have kids. Grow old. Die.
I guess I’m doing most of those, so what am I worried about. The more I don’t want to be that way, the more I seem to become it.
The hamster doesn’t know why the wheel is there. It just gets on it. Runs, runs, runs. Until it gets tired. Then it eats, eats, eats, eats. Until there is no more food. Then it sleeps, sleeps, sleeps. Until it wakes up. Then it shits, shits, shits. Until it has no more. Then it gets on the wheel. But, if he’s lucky, his owner will get him a woman. And then he’ll fuck, fuck, fuck. Lucky little rodent.
**
A girl came up to me at the bar and asked “do you have a light?”
I looked up, she was maybe 23, pearly white teeth, green bikini on. A gorgeous smile.
“Nope, don’t smoke,” I replied with a smile.
“Thanks,” she said, walking away.
A few minutes later, she sat with some guy. He had a cigarette lighter. I knew this guy. He was two years older than me, full head of hair and a beat up Volkswagen. I saw she had her hand on his leg.
“What’s he got that I don’t have?” I said to my buddy at the other end of the bar, gesturing to the guy with the Volkswagen.
“Good posture?” he said, laughing.
“You’re probably right,” I said, slumped over my warm bottle of Shiner Blonde. I got up and went to the jukebox. I bought the thing three years ago. Said I’d stock it with only good music too. My picks lasted three weeks before the tourists started to complain that they didn’t want to listen to Bill Withers or The Kinks.
“Where’s the Lady Gaga?”
“Who listens to his shit?”
“Can you get some REAL music?”
Over and over I listened to this. Finally, Butch, the owner told me I had to give up at least half of the jukebox for the other paying customers. I tried to argue, but I wasn’t behind it 100 percent. Not because I knew I’d lose, because those are usually the best arguments, but instead because I wanted to get laid. Good music brought in good girls, Butch said right up front. That was like a Mike Tyson uppercut, circa 1986 right to my chin. I had no shot.
I flipped to the beginning of the CDs, where my selections still held strong. I put in a quarter, then three more. I picked C3 three times. “Hold Me Close” by Lucero. It just felt right.
“I fucking love Ben Nichols!” someone shouted from across the bar, right after I’d plopped my ass back onto my seat. She started signing, rather poorly. I listened with great pleasure. It reminded me of all those nights in steamy bars and shitty dives singing my lungs out.
The song ended. She sat down. Then it started again.
“Woooooooo!” she yelled. A woo girl. Sweet.
The song ended. She sat again.
It started once again.
“Who played this?” she shrieked.
I raised my hand like the shy kid in class that I was oh so many years ago. She looked at me. I looked at her.
That was the last time I fucked anyone. That was three years ago in July.
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