anal

“You know what?” I said to the dude beside me at the bar, a scruffy looking ex-doctor who I’d become friends with simply because we were both doing the same thing with our lives now – nothing. “I had the strangest dream last night.”

“Fuck, man. Do you really think I want to sit here and listen to you talk about your dreams? It drives me nuts,” he replied, taking a sip of Guinness.

“Well, I don’t fucking like watching you lick that Guinness mustache off your face every time you take a sip, but I don’t say it out loud.”

“Damn, we’re turning into a married couple aren’t we?”

Laughs all around.

I decided not to bring up the whole dream thing. I rarely remember them, so when I do, I get a feeling that my brain is serious about getting me to think about something. Although this one may not be a fit to that theory.

In the dream, I was in a small apartment. There was a naked Asian woman. Porcelain skin. Just perfect. She was laying on her stomach, taut ass just sitting there. Somehow, a voice over was telling me how to have anal sex. And how and when you’ll know the signs of whether the woman wanted it or not. Kind of like one of those 1950s films they used to show in elementary school.

This lady was beautiful. I think in the dream, I wasn’t in love with her, but just completely taken by her.

My cock was hard. I tried to do what the voice told me to do. However, every time I did, she responded with what the voice said she may respond with. She smiled at me and urged me on, only to shoo me away every time.

Eventually, I gave up. Hard cock and all and just laid there next to her, staring into her dark black eyes. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek. Then turned over and spooned with me.

“That’s when I woke up.”

“Damn, that’s a fucked up dream,” my ex-doctor friend said.

“Told you.”

“Did you wake up and jerk off after?”

“Nah, I did have a giant boner though.”

“Sure you did. I would’ve rubbed one off.”

“Not surprised. Usually, I would have too. I guess what the lady was doing sort of rubbed off on me, so I didn’t.”

“That’s just stupid. Hell, I may go in the bathroom right now and rub one out.”

“Fuck, dude. That’s sick.”

“Like you’ve never done it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t advertise that I’m going to do it.”

Laughs again. Another round of drinks. The barkeep shakes his head at us. I hate it when Gus is here instead of Mandy. Mandy’s got better tits. Smaller than Gus’ but definitely better.

“Gus, where’s Mandy? It’s Wednesday. She should be there.”

“Called in sick. Something about a doctor’s appointment.”

Then it hit me. I was supposed to be there with Mandy. She’d asked me weeks ago to go with her to this appointment. Instead, here I was sitting on a barstool talking about jerking off in the men’s room and butt sex with an Asian girl. And I don’t even like Asian girls.

“Damn. I gotta go!” I yelled.

“Why?” Doc asked.

“I’m supposed to be with Mandy.”

“You guys dating now?”

“No. We’re just friends. She needed someone to be there and I fucked it up.”

“Get, getting on then my amigo.”

I paid my tab and pushed the front door open. The noontime sun hit my face and made me cringe. My diabetic eyes don’t like the sun much anymore. And I hate wearing sunglasses. Kind of like a vampire that wants a suntan my choices and likes and dislikes non-ability to mesh.

I got in my car, started her up and drove. Fast. It was about six miles to Mandy’s house. It was 12:12. Her appointment was for 12:30. I remember that much.

I pulled up to her apartment. A shitty, weather-faded wooden mess. I’m sure it looked great in 1978 when it was built. Now, it was a fire hazard.

She was standing in the parking lot, tapping her foot on the ground. Mad was not the word I’d use to describe her face. I pulled up next to her and waved.

She grabbed the door handle, pulled. Nothing. Rapping her fingers on the door a little harshly, I got the message. Door. Still. Locked.

I pushed the unlock button. She opened the door. Slammed it shut.

“You’re late, asshole,” she said.

“Yeah, and I’m drunk, too.”

She kissed me on the cheek. “Thanks for coming.”

“Anything for my Mandy.”

“Quit talking like that. People might think you like me.”

“Only if you’ll let me put it in your butt.”

“What?”

“Bar story. I’ll tell you later.”

I put the car in drive. It was a 20 minute drive to the doctor’s office. She found a lump the other day. Had me feel it. I felt it. She cried. I held her. We agreed to go to the doctor together. Even though neither of us had insurance. I knew I’d be paying for it too. Didn’t care. It’s what friends do. At least, in my mind.

We pulled into the parking lot of the office. Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers” was ringing out of my blown out speakers. This song was kind of “our” song. We’d listen to it on a loop while watching trains go by my house on random Tuesday afternoons that turned into Wednesday mornings. I parked the car and turned the engine off. TP faded out.

“Well, time to pay the piper!” she said a little too fake.

“Let’s just go in and see what happens.”

“Ok, friend,” she said, kissing me on the cheek. “Then we can go home and talk about this anal you so desperately want.”

“Sounds like a plan.”