I took a swig from the bottle –
Jimmie Johnson’s Moonshine – NASCAR and liquor, together again.
I coughed a bit then winced.
Everything I did the rest of the night, I knew, would be a blur.
The shit was poured into a pint
glass, I figured I’d taken the bottle – not by force or by coerce – but just be
asking, that it was meant to be drank that night. So, I set about drinking it.
She looked at me after I took my
first drink, “I’m going to take a shower now,” she said. I didn’t know if she
was mad at me or happy for me. I never understood which it was. And it never
was one instead of the other. It was always one, or the other. Wrap your mind
around that one.
The dogs were busy. One was
humping another. It was shocking to watch. A pit-bull/Labrador mix being
molested by a pug. Over and over again. I didn’t know which was funnier,
watching the big dog be raped by a little dog, or the suggestion by me of
playing Morris Day and the Time’s “The Bird”, and it being played. One song
after Slayer’s “Reign in Blood.”
These are the days I wish I had a
smart phone. So I could prove that it actually happened. No one trusts what a
writer writes. Why? Because we make up shit. And we take the truth and bend it.
I’m wishing I was drunker than I
am. Sometimes being drunk is the best feeling in the world. Other times it’s
the worst. I never know which it’ll be until it happens. Now, I’m not drunk. Just
buzzed. So, I have to just imagine which it will be. I always imagine it will
be the better, not the worst. But, most of the time it sucks.
It’s why alcohol should be the illegal
drug, pot the legal one. I never had a bad night smoking pot. Lots of bad ones
drinking booze. But the sample size is small, so maybe it ends poorly just as
often with the weed, but I doubt it.
I start to wonder what life would
be like in an episode of “Dark Shadows” or “The Twilight Zone.” Why not? It
would be different for sure, but would it be worse? Would it be better? Would
it just be the same? God only knows. And shit, there may not actually be a God.
Someone once said “Failure is not
an option.” Right? It didn’t just happen in a movie and became a slogan? There
had to be some ass that said it. Right? They said it and believed it. Or wanted
everyone else to believe it. I mean, that’s how great motivators work, right?
They just say something and it’s taken as the gospel. Fuck yeah! Everyone screams.
I’ve never said those kinds of
motivating words. No one has ever said “You the man!” after I said something in
front of a group. Even big groups. It makes me wonder what it’s like to be a
star athlete or politician. They do that for a living. Idolized until they fuck
up. Or until they aren’t any good at whatever they do. I wonder what it’s like
finding out you are irrelevant when you’re 40 years old. Oh wait, I already
know. I’m a newspaper guy.
I couldn’t even lift up a smile at
that one. It’s real. Even if I don’t’ want it to be.
Lovey from “Gilligan’s Island” is
on television now. I can never see her as anyone else. Shatner joins her on the
stage. Yep. Lovey and Captain Kirk. I wonder how hard it is to be seen only as
someone you aren’t for your entire life? I guess most of us actually live this
way, actors just do it and then have it seem by millions. We just are seen by
hundreds. If we are lucky. Some only dozens. It’s hard to think about or
comprehend. I really don’t want to think about it.
I’m surrounded daily by people who
don’t really like me. It would hurt worse if they actually were work liking
themselves. But they aren’t. So it doesn’t bug me. Too much.
Ok. It does bug me a little. I’d
like to be accepted and join in on the conversation every once in a while. How
often do Johnny Thunders’ bootlegs come up in conversation? Except for today,
because for only the second time in my existence, they came up. And I handled
it poorly. Until it shifted to the Minutemen. Then the conversation went well.
Why can’t life be like the
conversations in “High Fideltity”? Hell, maybe they are, I’m just missing out
on them….
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