too soon?

His girlfriend was looking at her phone, Twitter most likely, he thought as he stared at her fingers. He moved up to her tits and then her face. Of course, the then went back to her tits. He wasn’t really a boob guy, but he just wanted to look at her tiny ones. He definitely liked ‘em smaller. Asses? Completely opposite.

“I can’t believe that happened?” she exclaimed.

He yawned. The Twitterverse was in a breaking news mode, obviously. He just wished the baffoons of the internet would just let professionals do the news breaking. Nowadays, everyone’s a journalist. So why isn’t there any respect for the profession, if everyone wants to be one? Guess it’s like athletes. Everyone thinks they can play. Everyone thinks “Hey, I could make at least one shot in an NBA game.” Or “Hey, I could at least complete one pass.” Fuck those dolts.

He looked at his girlfriend. She seemed truly upset.

“What is it babe?” he finally asked, more out of duty than true care. He knew it was probably just another oil spill or terrorist attack.

“Someone killed a bunch of people at a movie theater. Twelve of them. They were all just watching the premiere of “The Dark Knight Rises.” So sad.

“Another reason to not go see a movie on the opening night,” he said rather coldly. He was cold and callous now. Too many years of cynicism from being a journalist and seeing murder, death, rape, famine, AIDS every day and night of his life.

“You’re an ass,” she said giving him a mean stare.

She was right. He was an ass. To say something out loud like that will never be “acceptable” behavior as his third grade teacher told him after he called a girl a “cunt” to her face. He’d heard his dad use the word, didn’t know what it meant, but it seemed powerful. He realized that day that sometimes restraint was necessary. Even when you didn’t want to use. It.

Over the years, that ability had been eroded. Now, his face always told the tale and his mouth usually followed.

It cost him many things. Chances at getting laid. Telling a girl you think she’s stupid in a crowded bar usually won’t lead to blow jobs. More likely, it’ll lead to a punch in the face by some other clod. And that guy will end up getting his dick wet.

Jobs? Ha. If you tell a boss what you really think, it should get you promoted. And a good boss will do so. However, the problem with that theory is most bosses are not good bosses. They just lasted the longest. Or made friends or were members of the “Lucky Sperm Club.” This was more evident in newspapers than most places, he found. Yet, he kept going back to them. Until Twitter finally killed most of them.

“Too soon?” he asked.

She glared again.

“Guess so.”

It reminded him of the Virginia Tech sniper killings. He had plenty of friends and “Myspace friends” at that time who went to the school, worked for the school or just liked the school.

Later that day, after the news broke – more on television and newspaper web sites at that time than citizens, but not wholly at all – he put up a gif as his profile picture. Of a turkey in the crosshairs of a gun.

It was amusing to go to friends pages. Many dotted, some covered, with ribbons of “support” for the victims. A really nice gesture, I guess. But if he was a “top friend” there was the turkey in the sights, surrounded by ribbons. It was laugh inducing.

“Too soon?” was response to the criticism.

It got Howard Stern fired. “How much is a ticket to the 14^th Street Bridge?” Ha. That’s funny. And pretty damn daring.

But he had mojo. Getting fired didn’t hurt. It helped.

Being a douchebag to friends and such? Not much of a gain to be had there.

“My goal is to get as many people to follow me, then unfollow me,” a sort of friend posted on his Twitter feed a day before. He messaged him to say “then make fun of the movie shooting victims.”

His reply?

“Too soon.”

Who the fuck are these people. You are either a satirist who isn’t scared to offend, or you’re just another brick in the wall. Another wheel in the machine. Another cliché in a small town sportswriter’s shitty column.

“Guess we have a critic!”

Bad headline idea?

“Too soon?”

Pufferfish

Sitting in the office,  a quick scan of the premises gives me this: One guy is absorbed by his Facebook page, he’ll probably start working in about three hours – after his two-hour lunch break. Oh, and he won’t make deadline.

A second guy is drinking water out of a wine glass. Kooky behavior, sure, but that’s perfectly acceptable to me. What isn’t is he and another co-worker – less than 10 feet apart – are having a conversation on Twitter. It seems strange to me. Maybe if they were texting or direct messaging it would make sense. Then it would be hidden or whatever. I just don’t understand communicating without communication. I guess it gets rid of the awkward part where you have to make eye contact and actually give a damn?

A third co-worker is busy working on things for outside of the office. Today he proclaimed “Why the fuck haven’t I quit this job yet?” A mantra that has been going on since Day 1 that I started – over two years ago – and probably was daily the year-plus he’s been here before I got here.

My cubicle is dusty and the only one over-crowded with crap. Photos of old friends. Photos of great places – 2400 Tulane Avenue anyone? And pieces of work that went underappreciated, including the gem of a rejected headline – Straight Outta New Bern – which came about because a bunch of cops left the job at the same time. “That won’t fly in a retirement community,” the editor said. “Fuck, they won’t even get the reference,” I replied, knowing it was a lost cause already.

The boss isn’t here. He called in sick yesterday. Heard he got hurt playing football in the park. Broken bone and everything. Ha. Karma’s a fucking bitch, ain’t she?

A breaking news story about a school teacher who was arrested for sleeping with a student – for four years – happened yesterday. Today, a new reporter asked the guy who wrote the story “So, um, you know who the girl was?” after he talked to the girl’s dad in hopes of a quote without success.

“Yeah, of course we do,” he replied.

“Is she slutty?” she asks, and she’s not playing around.

“I have no idea,” the reporter says, “She didn’t try to fuck me, so there’s always that.”

She frowns and goes back to whatever she was doing. The new reporters like to call all military heroes all the time in copy. And old-timer and me roll our eyes at yet another story about the “heroes”.

“Fuck, they ain’t saving puppies out of trees,” he says. “They’re killing brown people for corporate interests. That ain’t a hero. That’s a mercenary.”

The conversation goes awry when both new reporters – military wives, once again – decide to pounce. It’s a sad state of affairs in a newsroom when those reporting are so in love with those they are reporting on.

“God damn,” the old-timer finally yells, throwing his arms to the sky – well, the flourescant light bulbs. “I need a fucking cigarette.” He storms off and goes outside. I admire that guy. Hell, I am that guy. But lately I’ve kept the God damns and fucks inside. At least in the office. It doesn’t work anymore. At least not in this place.

I sit back down at my cubicle and stare at the bobblehead doll on my desk. It’s of a former prep athlete that I used to cover who is in the big leagues now. He was a good kid, and I didn’t see him getting that far. But he did. It’s always cool.

The first athlete I covered who made it big was a guy in Alabama. He grew up in the inner city, got a scholarship to N.C. State and ended up being drafted by the New York Jets. I remember the day I got a pack of cards and saw him staring back at me. It reminded me of the night I was covering a prep basketball game at his high school as they played their arch rival. During the game, gunshots rang out and everyone scattered. I was sitting behind the bench, and this kid, who I’d talked to probably a dozen times over the last few months came up to me and grabbed my hand. “Hey man, you better come with us,” he said. I ended up in the locker room, scribbling frantically in my notebook a story on what was happening. I called my editor and told him what happened, and he said “Damn it, there goes my main story for sports.” Baffled, I said “What?”

He sighed and yelled, “Damn it Jones, they’re gonna want that for the front now!” and slammed down the phone. I called the city editor. He yelled at me for calling him. “Why the hell aren’t you talking to the cops, Jones?” I asked what my deadline was and he yelled again “Now! Just fucking get something as soon as you can.”

Twenty minutes later I had phoned in a story. It had to be typed up because I was too poor to afford a laptop in those days. And they certainly didn’t have them sitting around for lowly interns.

The next morning I looked at my front page story and noticed a typo. It was no longer a clip. Just another article for the clipping book. Just another story to tell for years to come.

I went home that night and looked at the story. It was one of my favorites. Up there with the firing of a basketball coach that sent me on an all-day odyssey throughout the city of Phoenix one day as a student. That was fun. I still look at the Associated Press photo from that night, as the defeated coach reads a statement. I know that I’m sitting just below that piece of paper, just out of camera shot, absorbing every word he’s saying.

I miss those days. A kid in the office today asked why anyone would still want to go to school to be a journalist. I replied that it was still a very noble profession. That his only view of it was this place, and that’s like him telling his wife not to keep trying to be a professional cook because the only restaurant kitchen she’d seen was that of a McDonald’s. He took it personally, like he always does, and started going off on me because “she’s seen lots of kitchens.” He just didn’t get it. And never will. It amazes me how much the world revolves around the Me with kids. I know we all do it, it’s natural. But damn. Not every snarky comment is personal. In fact, 93 percent of them aren’t. I think you know when it’s personal. It should be obvious.

Anyway, I finish my part of the job of that day’s paper trio and stare outside. The sun is going down and I’m an hour from home. I sigh, knowing I’ll still be in the office for another three hours. I start to wish I smoked. I start to wish I had a bottle of Jameson in my desk. I start to wish a lot of things. But then I get distracted by a pufferfish lamp. It’s just like the one me and my girlfriend saw in a dive bar weeks ago. “I’d love to get a hold of that thing,” she said. “When I worked here, I wanted to steal it.” Now, I’m staring at one just like it. I click the ‘buy it now’ button and pay for it with PayPal. It’s coming from Thailand, so it’ll arrive the day after her birthday. But that’s me and my “gotta find that awesome gift that she’ll never expect” instead of just taking her out to a nice dinner. Of course, I’m going to surprise her with that too.