Booze and Lucero tickets

I woke up a little early today.

Walking out into my kitchen, I scratched my butt. As I stood there in between the kitchen and the hallway, I wondered what time it was. It’s been a game of mine, well in my head, for years now. Ever since I stopped owning a watch. Or a clock. I never have understood the need for a watch. If one ever really needs to know what time it was, just ask someone. Or guess.

I seemed to always be pretty darn close.

As I stood there, finger finding a place to scratch, I guessed 8:30 or so.

I walked towards my lawn chair. Yep, no furniture except for the dirty old couch and a couple of lawn chairs. At 39 years old, that might seem a bit sad. But honestly, I have had lots of furniture over the years. Most of it was taken by girlfriends or their family. That’s the sad part.

By the chair was my cell phone. My only clock, except for the computer, which is off. It read 8:33.

As always, I’m pretty close. Sometimes after a bender or something, and it’s cloudy out, I’ll be off. Usually, however, it’s easy.

I go to the fridge. There’s not much in there. Pickles. Eggs. Condiments. A jug of tap water. And a 12-pack of Miller High Life. Bought it for the hurricane. My broke ass decided it was the best thing for the money. And really, it probably is. Yes, it sucks, but for 5.99 you really have a tough time getting anything better.

I grab one and grab the opener off the counter. Psssssssssssssssttttttttttttt! I open it up and take a swig.

No better way to start the morning, huh? Maybe it’ll be a good day for once.

I go to the cupboard to find something to eat. I spy a box of generic Pop Tarts. They’re called Toast’em pop-ups. They even have a pop guy with a big shit-eating grin on his face staring at you from the cardboard. Pretty much saying “You bought these? For 67 more cents you could have had the real thing. AND, they give you eight, not six. Dumb ass.”

I pull one out, put it in the oven. I don’t have a toaster. I bought one once for a girlfriend. It ended up getting recalled, but I never took it back. I wonder if she still uses it? And will it one day burn her house down? And since I just typed that, am I now responsible for that? Nice train of thought for 8:37 in the morning. Swig. Swig. Swig.

Yeah, that’ll help.

“Can’t hurt none,” the voice in the head says. Not a voice like Jim Gaffigan’s baby voice, but anyway.

I put on some shorts and a shirt to go outside and stare at the day.

It usually doesn’t stare back, but for some reason, today it is. There is a lady outside walking her dog. It’s one of those ugly, poodle-like dogs. Yeah, the schnoodle. I’d probably be driven to drink if I had to walk a schnoodle for my wife. Oh yeah.

The dog takes a giant shit in the parking lot right across from my house. I’m happy it didn’t shit in my yard, because that is about the only thing I get mad about nowadays. Well, that and the fucking idiots that I have to work with. Sports editors with no sense and sports reporters who can’t put two words together without fucking up grammar rules.

It’s a great way to not earn a living.

My bank account is at an all-time low for the time I’ve been living here. I have bills due on pay day. For the first time in probably two or three years I’m going to be paying them all on line that day.

That’s a scary place to be. Especially when you’ve been there so much over the past 20 years. It reminds me of that great thing that Matty and Josh used to have on their fridge… UVA + You = Success. They always laughed at it. All the while getting closer and closer to being productive members of society. I always saw it for what they wanted to see it as, a reminder that life doesn’t have to go according to a plan.

Glad my student loan deferment ends this month too. Such excellent timing. Of course, I should have just not paid it the entire 14 months I was unemployed, instead of getting the deferment right when I got a job.

Brilliance is written all over this guy. And as always, master of great timing.

Anyways, I would have spent that extra cash while unemployed on booze and Lucero tickets anyway.