I want a moment with my ex like the ending of the first
episode of “The Newsroom”. I know it’s not going to happen, but, I’d still like
that moment.
“What are your plans for my Emily?” her uncle said to me in
Colorado.
“I don’t have any plans for her. I’m just trying to be there
for her,” was my answer.
He grabbed my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “Just don’t
hurt her,” he said.
“Never,” I said with a smile.
She never heard that conversation. I never told her about
it.
And I hadn’t really thought about it until right now.
Especially the ending part.
And now I wish I hadn’t thought about it at all.
I want so much to believe in the Hollywood ending. The
epiphany will come. Even if it takes years. But life isn’t like that for most
of us. We bounce into people’s lives and it works or it doesn’t. For whatever
reason, some get it right the first time. Some get it right after 100 tries.
Some never do.
I hope that I’m not one of the latter. I’d hate to think
that really, she was the one, and I let her go. Or she let me go.
The old cliché that if you let someone go, if they come back
blah, blah, blah.
Fuck that shit. And fuck the keep trying. Fuck it. It’s all
lies. We all fuck each other over. Some can just deal with it better than
others.
And fuck that. I don’t want to be so God damn bitter. But I am.
And I only have myself to blame. And damn you The Darkness for making that
phrase always be in Justin Hawkins’ voice. No matter what the context. Welcome
to my fucked up mind.
But that holds true for it all. You are what you perceive.
Your reality is only what you perceive it to be. It’s so damn simple, and I’d
guess so damn true.
I was thinking of writing about my father’s Members Only
jacket tonight. About maybe putting it one after he dies. But I don’t want to
think about my dad being dead. As much as we’ve fucking hated each other over
the years – and dammit, I think he’s hated me at times too – I still love that
fucking drunk bastard. I still want so much to make him proud of me. And I know
my time is limited on that front. His health is bad, but damn, he keeps
drinking. He keeps being bitter about things. And every day I see how much like
him I really am. No matter how much I tried not to be. It’s impossible. Yeah, I
don’t berate the one’s I love like he did. But I hide from them as much. And nowadays,
they run away when you do that. They don’t stick around.
I wonder often what would have happened if my mom had had
the guts to leave. She should have. He was a fucking prick most of the time. At
least what I remember. And I don’t remember much, so for it to have made that
much of an impression, it must have been a lot.
I still want to incorporate my mom taking that fucking
marlin off the wall, hauling it to the front door and chucking it into the
bushes into a story one day. Into a screen play. I was on the stairs, peering
down through the white wood railings that lead upstairs. Me, a confused and
scared little kid wondering why my parents fought so damn much. I know now why.
And I always tried to say I’d never do the same things my dad did. Switch jobs
for a woman. Give up on my dreams for hers. But, you know what. I always did
the exact same thing. Even when I thought I wasn’t. It’s a fucked up world out
there. And we’re all a part of it. And no matter, I made the decisions I made.
Which either directly or indirectly led to the demise of great things in my
life. And as Justin Hawkins will keep singing in my head all night “I’ve only
got myself to blame…”
I see it now too. I want so badly to move to Raleigh and
just get a job digging ditches or mowing lawns. But, I don’t want to give up on
the “life.” Not that the “life” has ever given anything back to me but a couple
of plagues on my floor – yeah, I don’t hang them – and a lot of pain – laid off,
unrespected, angst-ridden.
I guess that’s why all the old guys were all single. Or divorced
in the business. The smart ones got out. The ones that wanted families and
lives and happiness. The rest of us, we got old and crusty and bitter.
And our teeth fell out.
Not yet, though.
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