TDTF

The guy who used to live with me, his community college diploma came in the mail yesterday. I stared at the plain manila envelope for a moment, considering how I would feel if my diploma arrived at someone else’s house and that person was holding it. Then I remembered that I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t change his address when he moves, doesn’t rail against things that he uses and certainly has some scruples.

So, I tossed in a lawnchair that serves as my dining room and went about my business.

Hey, I never said all those things added up to being successful at anything.

He walked into the bar, as always Melody, the bartender, queued up the Dead Kennedys’ “Too Drunk to Fuck.”

Poor Charlie. He went home with a girl from Midlothian one night. She had been all over him. Kissing him, buying him drinks, and just making him the center of her universe. It was obvious that someone wanted to get laid that night.

Charlie went out the backdoor and drove they hailed a cab. Charlie lived just a couple blocks away, but figured what the fuck. He was getting laid tonight!

After going inside, the girl pulled him directly into his bed. He had a studio apartment, so it wasn’t hard to find. She ripped of his pants, ripped off his shirt and ripped off his underwear. By this time, Charlie had taken off her shoes.

She tossed her clothes to the side and Charlie stared at her tits. He’d never seen tits before. They were egg shaped. Not round like the ones he always saw in the horror movies. Him and Joey always picked out horror movies based on the boxes. If it looked like there would be titties, they always rented it.

He grabbed a hold of one of them and it was soft and warm. He freaked out a little, but kept his grip firm. He wondered if he was squeezing it right. There was no way to really know. But she seemed to be enjoying it. He kissed her neck and then gulped. Next were the tits. He kissed them. And sucked a little. She then grabbed his dick. It was still shriveled up and tiny. He freaked out a bit and started to move his fingers on her crotch. She was wet and warm. And not very hairy. He looked real quick at it. It was beautiful. Then he looked at his limp cock. He grabbed it and shook it. Nothing. He tried to think of the best porn he’d ever seen. Nothing. He just grabbed it and tried to push it inside of her.

She blocked it with her fist.

“Do you have a condom?” she asked.

Charlie had never bought a condom. Never had a reason to. Actually, he’d never even thought about buying condoms. It seemed like such a foreign thing to him.

“Um, no,” he finally answered.

She stared down at him. He could see her tits in the light coming from the hotel next door busting through the window. She wasn’t exactly pretty, he saw. Not having a hard on had sobered him up a bit.

She pushed his chest and frowned.

“Well, this ain’t going nowhere,” she said, getting off of him.

He watched as she put her clothes back on. He was rubbing his cock still, hoping for some kind of life. He’d never experienced such a thing. He was too young to have this problem.

She finished putting her clothes on and left.

Charlie sat there in his room, looking up at the ceiling. He began to cry.

Just then, Charlie’s roommate busted in.

“Whoah, Charlie,  you fuck girl?” he said in very broken English. Na Hoon was from Korea and moved in because Charlie needed money to buy more VHS tapes. He recorded everything he watched, no matter how bad it was. Or how good.

“She was big girl,” Na Hoon said laughing. “Wait till bar hear about.”

With that, Na Hoon walked out.

Charlie put his clothes back on slowly. He couldn’t believe he was naked with a girl and was still a virgin. She wanted to do it, and he couldn’t. He’d never forget this. Never forget her name. That’s when he saw her watch. It was sitting on his bedside table. He picked it up and looked at it. Then threw it across the room. Later on, he’d see that he broke it, stopped it right on the time of his worst day – 1:33 a.m. on July 7. Then he put it in a box and kept it. A reminder of the worst night of his life.

Back at the bar, Na Hoon was telling what he saw.

When Charlie walked into the bar, everyone gave him a standing ovation. Charlie blushed and got more angry.

“Give me a shot of Jim Beam,” he snarled at Melody.

Swig.

“And other.”

Swig.

“And another.”

Soon, Charlie’s anger started to manifest outwardly. His brow furrowed and his eyes glared. Especially at any woman in the place.

“Charlie, um, I think you need to go home,” Melody said.

“Not yeeet,” Charlie slurred. “I’ve got to forget about tonight.”

Melody was concerned. Here was Charlie, who everyone knew was a virgin, and some lady took him home and made his night. Hell, his decade. Something must have gone wrong.

“Charlie, what happened,” she whispered in his ear.

“I couldn’t geeettt it up,” he slurred. But in a voice that he thought was a whisper, but instead was a yell. It didn’t help that the Black Crowes’ “Twice as Hard” ended right before he spoke.

“Oh, jeez,” Melody said. But she couldn’t help it. She laughed. And soon everyone was laughing.

Charlie grabbed a shot glass and threw it against a wall.

“Why me?” he screamed and stumbled out the doors.

Charlie would forever be known as TDTF, as the Dead Kennedys’ album “Give Me Convenience, Or Give Me Death” was a bar favorite even before that night.