TDTF

The guy who used to live with me, his community college diploma came in the mail yesterday. I stared at the plain manila envelope for a moment, considering how I would feel if my diploma arrived at someone else’s house and that person was holding it. Then I remembered that I’m not the kind of person who doesn’t change his address when he moves, doesn’t rail against things that he uses and certainly has some scruples.

So, I tossed in a lawnchair that serves as my dining room and went about my business.

Hey, I never said all those things added up to being successful at anything.

He walked into the bar, as always Melody, the bartender, queued up the Dead Kennedys’ “Too Drunk to Fuck.”

Poor Charlie. He went home with a girl from Midlothian one night. She had been all over him. Kissing him, buying him drinks, and just making him the center of her universe. It was obvious that someone wanted to get laid that night.

Charlie went out the backdoor and drove they hailed a cab. Charlie lived just a couple blocks away, but figured what the fuck. He was getting laid tonight!

After going inside, the girl pulled him directly into his bed. He had a studio apartment, so it wasn’t hard to find. She ripped of his pants, ripped off his shirt and ripped off his underwear. By this time, Charlie had taken off her shoes.

She tossed her clothes to the side and Charlie stared at her tits. He’d never seen tits before. They were egg shaped. Not round like the ones he always saw in the horror movies. Him and Joey always picked out horror movies based on the boxes. If it looked like there would be titties, they always rented it.

He grabbed a hold of one of them and it was soft and warm. He freaked out a little, but kept his grip firm. He wondered if he was squeezing it right. There was no way to really know. But she seemed to be enjoying it. He kissed her neck and then gulped. Next were the tits. He kissed them. And sucked a little. She then grabbed his dick. It was still shriveled up and tiny. He freaked out a bit and started to move his fingers on her crotch. She was wet and warm. And not very hairy. He looked real quick at it. It was beautiful. Then he looked at his limp cock. He grabbed it and shook it. Nothing. He tried to think of the best porn he’d ever seen. Nothing. He just grabbed it and tried to push it inside of her.

She blocked it with her fist.

“Do you have a condom?” she asked.

Charlie had never bought a condom. Never had a reason to. Actually, he’d never even thought about buying condoms. It seemed like such a foreign thing to him.

“Um, no,” he finally answered.

She stared down at him. He could see her tits in the light coming from the hotel next door busting through the window. She wasn’t exactly pretty, he saw. Not having a hard on had sobered him up a bit.

She pushed his chest and frowned.

“Well, this ain’t going nowhere,” she said, getting off of him.

He watched as she put her clothes back on. He was rubbing his cock still, hoping for some kind of life. He’d never experienced such a thing. He was too young to have this problem.

She finished putting her clothes on and left.

Charlie sat there in his room, looking up at the ceiling. He began to cry.

Just then, Charlie’s roommate busted in.

“Whoah, Charlie,  you fuck girl?” he said in very broken English. Na Hoon was from Korea and moved in because Charlie needed money to buy more VHS tapes. He recorded everything he watched, no matter how bad it was. Or how good.

“She was big girl,” Na Hoon said laughing. “Wait till bar hear about.”

With that, Na Hoon walked out.

Charlie put his clothes back on slowly. He couldn’t believe he was naked with a girl and was still a virgin. She wanted to do it, and he couldn’t. He’d never forget this. Never forget her name. That’s when he saw her watch. It was sitting on his bedside table. He picked it up and looked at it. Then threw it across the room. Later on, he’d see that he broke it, stopped it right on the time of his worst day – 1:33 a.m. on July 7. Then he put it in a box and kept it. A reminder of the worst night of his life.

Back at the bar, Na Hoon was telling what he saw.

When Charlie walked into the bar, everyone gave him a standing ovation. Charlie blushed and got more angry.

“Give me a shot of Jim Beam,” he snarled at Melody.

Swig.

“And other.”

Swig.

“And another.”

Soon, Charlie’s anger started to manifest outwardly. His brow furrowed and his eyes glared. Especially at any woman in the place.

“Charlie, um, I think you need to go home,” Melody said.

“Not yeeet,” Charlie slurred. “I’ve got to forget about tonight.”

Melody was concerned. Here was Charlie, who everyone knew was a virgin, and some lady took him home and made his night. Hell, his decade. Something must have gone wrong.

“Charlie, what happened,” she whispered in his ear.

“I couldn’t geeettt it up,” he slurred. But in a voice that he thought was a whisper, but instead was a yell. It didn’t help that the Black Crowes’ “Twice as Hard” ended right before he spoke.

“Oh, jeez,” Melody said. But she couldn’t help it. She laughed. And soon everyone was laughing.

Charlie grabbed a shot glass and threw it against a wall.

“Why me?” he screamed and stumbled out the doors.

Charlie would forever be known as TDTF, as the Dead Kennedys’ album “Give Me Convenience, Or Give Me Death” was a bar favorite even before that night.

Kelly's web cam

She lived in a strange world.

Kelly was a blonde. She liked to talk to people and liked to just talk. But she couldn’t afford to go to college. So cashier, waitress and maid service jobs were all she could find. She didn’t want to do that for the rest of her life.

So, one day while walking around in the mall, she saw a web cam. She had heard of other girls that made a living just sitting in front of one of those, flirting and talking with guys. Every once in a while, all you had to do was get naked. No one would know who you are or where you are. Unless you told them. Better than stripping, she thought, because of the anonymity of it all.

She set it up and started to practice. She went to free sites at first. Chat roulette was a favorite at first, until guys started showing up naked in front of her. That was too creepy. After a few days, she signed up for an account with a place called myfreecams.com. She’d gone there, watched the other girls and actually tipping them to go into private chats to talk about the business. It was funny, most of the girls were bitchy about that. They didn’t want to give “secrets” to getting guys to pay out. But one thing she noticed just by watching. The girls that didn’t show much, that just sat there and talked and every once in a while showed something – they made more than the ones who just acted like strippers.

She made up the name Legs4Miles because all the guys at the local bar always told her she had great legs. She was tall, and they certainly seemed to go on forever. Especially when she tried on clothes and nothing ever fit.

The first day was hectic. She had never had to deal with so many people at once. All of them with names like Wank-N-It and Joey694u. Some were nice. Most just said thing like “show your tits” or “I want to cum on your ass.” It took all of her strength to sit there with the camera on and not show how much it hurt her feelings.

A nice guy, at least she thought so, asked her for a private chat. He had given her over 1,000 tokens – the payment on this site – just to talk in front of a bunch of other people, so she went in.

“Get naked, please,” he asked immediately.

She didn’t.

He started to tip one token at a time. He said: “If you tease me like a stripper, I’ll treat you like one.”

She took her shirt off. He started to tip heavier. After a few more tips, she got naked completely.

“I like that, show me everything,” he said.

She did. She felt comfortable for some reason with this guy.

Then he stopped chatting. She kept dancing and talking. But nothing.

Finally, she asked “what’s wrong?”

He replied, “I’m done.”

That kind of grossed her out. She shut her cam off and went for a walk outside. Took her dog Janet with her. Janet was a terrier that liked to bark too much.

As she walked around downtown, she felt as if people were looking at her. Giving her weird glances. Was it possible they had seen what she was doing? It had only been a few hours. She made about $100 for her efforts. Not much, but she figured it was a good enough start. But, was it possible that people win town saw her? That they knew what she was doing in front of that camera? Or was she just being paranoid.

After he walk she got back on. She decided she needed to look at her own feed. She set her computer up to look at it. In it, you could see out her back window. Right there was the giant water tower with the name of her town on it. She had advertised to the world where she was.

She closed her drapes and moved all possessions – except for a mirror and a bed – out of the web cam’s view.

She got naked and started dancing. She took requests for songs. She had the internet hooked up and had all the songs “In the world” at her fingertips.

This proved to be very lucrative. Just being naked and dancing and flirty. She didn’t talk. She typed. And giggled. Never saying anything in words. Just in characters typed on the keyboard.

“I can do this,” she said to herself. “It’s not so bad.”

When she started making decent money, her father asked what she was doing to get it.

“I’m just singing and dancing,” she said. “Like on ‘American Idol’, just not on television.

“You’re stripping, aren’t you?” he said, condescendingly. “I don’t want to find out you’re working down at Dino’s”

“Daddy, I’m not working at Dino’s,” she said.

“Good,” he replied with a kiss to the cheek. “I’d hate to run in to you there.”

“Ewwwwwww, daddy. That’s gross.”

“Exactly,” he said, leaving the room.

She went back home feeling better. Her family didn’t seem to think what she was doing was bad. At least she could pay her own bills now.

To celebrate, she went on line. Started dancing.

Then the questions from one user got a bit weird.

“Hi! Can you come downtown to meet me?” It began.

She kept dancing.

“You used to work at the Wegmans, didn’t you?” Was the next question.

She kept dancing.

“I went to Carson Elementary with you. You used to wear a Poison concert shirt all the time.” That one startled her.

“Who are you?” she asked to the world.

“Wouldn’t you like to know Kelly?”

She turned off the camera. And never got back on.